A ship wrecks onto a deserted island. Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day, besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore, so they keep having sex. After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they've been doing, so they bury her.
Glasgow Doctor -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner. The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet? The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'." The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep." Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?" The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
Scoucers join Ferrari.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday." This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?' Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new$300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please,please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...' Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God .... I thought I had a crack in my $300 Armani leather shoes...!
A Yorkshireman from Leeds walks into a bank and asks for a loan, he tells the bank he's going to Australia for 2 weeks on business, and needs to borrow 5k. The bank tell him they will need some form of security, so the Yorkshireman hands over the keys and docs for a new ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the log book and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank manager and staff all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Yorkshireman for using 120k ferrari as security against a 5k loan. The bank manager then instructs an employee to drive the car to the under ground garage, where he parks it. Two weeks later, the Yorkshireman returns, repays the 5k and interest of £15.41 the bank manager says, sir we are very happy to have your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out further and found you are a multi-millionaire, what puzzles us, is why would you bother to borrow 5k? The Yorkshireman replies. Well where else in Leeds can i park my car for 2 weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be still there when i return?!
As i lay in bed with my new girlfriend i noticed 4 lines carved in the headboard Is that the amount of men youve slept with i asked. Yep one thousand one hundred and eleven she said. The missus came home steaming drunk last night. "You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink. "Not really," I replied. "Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want." Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror... As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs
Li foo Koff, ( Paddy to his friends ), had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boat...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma' he asked "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen and ye were born in August, ya foo **** idiot"!
Job Interview -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin (Guinness?) A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job." Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?" "We both got 19 questions correct." "This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job." Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong." Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’.“
All taken from Wales Online A matter of life and death Dai was watching a Six Nations game in Cardiff. In the packed stadium there was only one empty seat, right next to him. “Whose is that seat?” asked a man in the row behind. “I got the ticket for my wife,” said Dai. “But she died in an accident.” “So you’re keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect?” “No,” said the fan, “I offered it to all of my friends.” “So why didn’t they take it?” “They’ve all gone to the funeral.” Knocking on Heaven's Door Warren Gatland and Stuart Lancaster are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium. In heaven, they are greeted by God and Lancaster is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top of the hill. He listened closer and could hear Bread of Heaven and Hen Wlad fy Nhadau. He looked up to see a great palace with statues of Barry John and Gareth Edwards and a party in the garden had Brains SA flowing freely as the crowd watched Scott Gibbs scoring his try against England in 1999. Lancaster went to the Lord and said: “I don’t want to appear ungrateful - but why does Warren get the huge mansion?” God said: “You’ve got it all wrong! That’s not Warren’s place - it’s mine.” That's a long name I used to go out with a Welsh girl that had 36DDs. It was a ridiculously long name. We're not saying the Welsh are tight, but... Jones the farmer and his son Berwyn sign up for a sight-seeing tour in a small aircraft. As always, Jones angles for the best deal possible. “Very well, Mr Jones,” says the pilot. “If you can go through the entire flight without making a sound, you and Berwyn can have your tickets for free.” So the plane takes off and the pilot makes sure it’s a rough one, launching almost straight up, flying under the Severn Bridge, using every single bit of acrobatics in his repertoire and doing a loop at the end. Jones says nothing. After they land, the pilot turns to Jones in disbelief. “Mr Jones, I’ve been doing this for 20 years and no-one’s ever been able to hold back from screaming. Tell me, was there ever a point in the flight where you wanted to say something?” “Aye,” Jones replies. “When Berwyn fell out.” Don't come between a Welshman and his ale An Englishman, Scotsman and Welshman walk into a bar. Each orders a pint of Brain’s but, as they’re served, a fly lands in each pint. The Englishman immediately pushes his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman thinks for a few seconds, shrugs, and also pushes the pint away. The Welshman turns bright red, picks the fly out of the beer and holds it over his glass shouting: “SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!” Not the easiest place for an affair My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllatysiliogogogoch. I said: “How can you say such a thing?” No hard feelings... A Welshman, Scot and Englishman are walking when they come across a lantern and a genie pops out and grants them one wish each. The Scot says: “I am a sheep herder, like my dad before me. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms.”* Whoosh, and so it was. The Englishman was amazed and says: “I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out.” Bang, there was a wall around England. The Welshman says: “Tell me more about this wall.” The genie says: “It’s 200 feet high, 100 feet thick, it goes all around England, and nothing can get in or out.” The Welshman says: “Fill it with water.” Don't mess with a Welsh mam Young Dylan comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful,“ says his mam. “What part is it?” The boy says: “I play the part of the Welsh husband.” The mother scowls and says: “Go back and tell them you want a speaking part.” ... Or a Welsh woman Three friends married women from different parts of the world. The first married a Greek girl and told her that she was to do the dishes and cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house. The second man married a Thai girl and gave her the same orders, to do all the cleaning and cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results but by the third his house was clean and dinner was on the table. The third man married a Welsh girl. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed and dinner ready for 6pm. For the first two days he didn’t see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Say it slowly... On a beautiful summer’s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?” The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.” Do you miss Wales? I live in London and people often say to me: “You miss Wales?” I say: “No, I look nothing like her. She’s got long blonde hair and wears a sash.” Not the hardest word Elton John thinks sorry seems to be the hardest word. He clearly hasn’t been to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Beer goggles A Welshman is walking on the beach when he finds a brass oil lamp and a genie pops out and offers him three wishes. The Welshman says: “I’ve no doubt what my first wish is, genie. Give me a bottle of Brain’s SA that never runs out!” The genie hands him a bottle and the Welshman takes a long swig but it’s still full. He pours some into his hands and laps it up - and the bottle is still full. No matter how much he pours, the bottle never runs out. “Master, you still have two more wishes,” says the genie. “I know what I want,” says the Welshman. “Give me two more just like this.” Noah's got nothing on the Welsh In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That’s a pretty good summer for Wales. You and whose army? When the Roman legions were attacking Wales, they were set upon by one brave Welsh warrior with a club. Eventually, with hundreds of men at their disposal, they managed to force him to retreat into a nearby cave. They follow him in before running out, bleeding and screaming: “It’s a trap! There’s two of them!”
Airport Security. TEL AVIV, Israel — The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you,but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person. Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of the problems about racial profiling.It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!”
Black Irish Humour At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchalsociety. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experiencedby gay men in contemporary society'. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?asked the couple. 'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
Took my young son out today for his First drink!! I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters.He didn't like it - I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it. It was the same with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion. The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for ten minutes straight." The Aussie said: "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, y'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ......Wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Aussie replied , "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
Use BIG words... .................................................. ... A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the $hit."
Man in Restaurant.... A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.! 'Oh my, I am so sorry ,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? ' 'No,' she replies. . . . . * * * * * * * 'You just happened to catch my eye.' The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate, I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.' No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.' The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted and the congregation roared.
The ladies will apreciate this one ! After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It's all so beautiful" she replied. "Everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms." She went on to tell Him that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it. "That is a fair point, but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And He reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?" Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?
A guy is walking down the street and he sees his friend with a black eye. He asks him what happened. His friends says, “Well I was in church and…” The man interrupts “Church! How do you get hurt in church?” The friend continues, “Well I was sitting behind this woman Angelina, and after a while what with all the standing, sitting and kneeling, I noticed she had developed a wegie. Now me being a nice guy, I pulled it out for her. She turned around “WHACK” “ The man says “I cant believe you did that”, and continues walking. A week later he sees his friend again and he has another black eye. He asks him what happened this time and his friend responds, “Well I was in church again…” The man interrupts “CHURCH AGAIN? How do you keep getting hurt in church?!” The friend explains, “Well, I was sitting behind Angelina again and…” “Don’t tell me you did it again” “I did not, after all of the standing, sitting, and kneeling, I noticed the wedgie again…” “If you pulled it out again…” “I did not pull it out. This time he husband was with her an he pulled it out for her. Now, I know she doesn’t like that, so I pushed it back in.”
