Next day she wanted to use the word beautiful - again little Johnny has his hands up "me me me" Teacher is willing to take a risk and is surprised when Johnny says ' Being pregnant is beautiful" but worried when he continued " My 16 year old sister came home and said she was pregnant and my father said theat's beautiful - fecking beautiful!" Next day the word was dwarf - Johnny is at it again. Teacher thinks what can he say that will be that bad- "Go ahead Johnny" " Miss a dwarf is a short person -- with a prick thiiiiiiiiiiiis long!'
And then there was Bob, who heard God say: Come fourth, and receive eternal life. But Bob came fifth and won a toaster.
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a Disaster, Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the Bus.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?" "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career"
Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex. He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?' The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.' 'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?' She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.' I made my girlfriends dreams come true and married her in a castle. You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around! * * Said to my mate today "Why you looking so happy?" he said " The missus had one of those procedures done at hospital today that would put a smile on the face of any bloke" I said " What a breast enlargement?" he replied " No a post mortem!" * Took the other half to a Disco last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, backflips, moonwalking the works. Other half says " That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down" I replied " looks like he is still celebrating" The Queens Royal Corgis are delighted to see Prince Phillip back at The Palace as they will no longer be blamed for peeing on the sofa! * Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove... A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related... I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency... Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him. I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69 Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick." Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner." * * After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was still full.*
'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' so the saying goes. So why the **** did my wife go off on one when I came home after a week on the piss?
Starbucks-beware -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it? I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod.. Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd only allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments and softly asked, 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken…. An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.' The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." “And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?" A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex," she said. The researcher was a little taken a back. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex? “The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
Taffy was fed up, living in Aberdare was boring. No jobs, the local women had better moustaches than him, you were expected to watch Cardiff City. Swansea City the rival team were always so much better. The Merthyr boys were always bullying him, the boys from the Rhondda were always smarter. Taffy decides he needs some adventure in his life, he wants to travel, he catches the bus down to Cardiff docks and signs on in the merchant navy. His first job sees him sailing between Cardiff and Barry docks learning his trade. It was not inspiring, this isn't what I signed up for he thinks. Then he gets a lucky break. He gets a birth on a trade ship bound for the pacific, great he thought my luck has finally changed. Sadly it was not to be. As soon as the ship gets to the Pacific, there is a massive storm and the ship sinks, all hands are lost, but there in amongst the flotsam and jetsam is our Taffy. He is the sole survivor along with the ships Alsation and a sheep that was being shipped out. For weeks the trio were busy building a shelter, finding water and food, but they soon got into a routine. Every night they would walk to a nearby cliff and watch the sun go down. After a few weeks Taffy started to get really frustrated, being a valley boy he started eyeing the sheep. Then one night he made his move. He sat close to the sheep and put his arm round her. Immediately the Alsation gets jealous, it barks at the sheep and bites Taffy on the arm. It takes days for things to settle down and for them to get back into their routine. Then one night Taffies luck changes for the better. As they all gaze out to sea they sea a raft bobbing in on the tide. Outsteps a gorgeous young woman and she strolls up the beach like Ursula Andrews in a Bond movie. This devine woman quickly follows the routine of the others. Taffies frustration now builds and is greater than ever before. He decides to make a move that night. As they sit and watch the sun go down he sits close to this beautiful woman, pulls her close and whispers in her ear, 'can you take the dog for a walk?'.
On Friday, A hooded robber burst into a Minnesota bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag. As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot & killed her also. Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak. Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."
TWO nuns are in a car waiting at a traffic light when a car full of young lads pulls up beside them. " Oi ! get ya tits out penguin, " shouts one of the lads.. Sister Nancy says to sister Clare. " I dont think they know who we are, just show them your cross." .... So sister Clare hangs out of the window and shouts: " **** off you little twats before I rip your ****ing bollocks off ! " Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, "So why are you here?" The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Yellow Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Black Lab, "they reckon it'll calm me down." The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here?" The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Black Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away." The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!" >>>>An Observation on an Age Old Question >>>> >>>>What deep thinkers we men are... >>>>I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. >>>>The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. >>>>Finally I thought about an age old question: >>>>Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? >>>>Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. >>>>Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. >>>>A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." >>>>On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." >>>>I rest my case. Time for another beer. Oil" Way down in the back of beyond in Ireland, Murph's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said, "Hey, Murphy! You just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!!" Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murphy! You got you a daughter!!!! She a pretty lil ting, too." Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murphy, you just had yourself another boy!" Murphy said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?" The doctor said, "You never know Murphy, it was probably something that happened during conception." Murphy said, "Ah yeah, during conception." When Murphy and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night..." Murphy said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's afookin' good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!!" Late Night Phone Call To The Vet A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "It just worked for me," he replied bloke goes to the Barbers and after cutting his hair the Barber asks if he would like anything on it? Yes said the bloke "A pair of Knickers, you've made me look a right C**T " Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm, so they go to the doctors. After tests, the doctor suggests Paddy's wife may be overheating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting , still no orgasm so his mate suggests a swap. I'll shag her and you waft the towel! Paddy agrees and within seconds paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friend slowly and says... "and that my old son is how you waft a f--king towel"
I dont like taking Jackanory off thread and commenting usually, but that guy is comedy gold Swantastic! Back to the thread and following on from the Yeoman Jester.... I've got a big sign on the front of my house that says, "Henry the Eighth was a fat ****." And a sign on the roof that says, "Elizabeth the First was ginger and a minger." It's a Mock Tudor house. Did you know the Queen has her very own beefeater. But what she does behind closed doors is her business.
