Monk....ey Business...... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth. The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,.... ....silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door." The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight .... .... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk. DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS!
As the Transfer Window closed, many Liverpool fans were disappointed not to have got Bale. But they'll be back in court today to try again.
Must be well over 1000 jokes on there now. Good to see my man swantastic still posting his corkers just like he did on the very first day I started it
I'll never forget the day the doctor told me that my daughter had schizophrenia, bipolar, anger issues and wouldn't be as mentally able as half the population. "It's a girl." He said. I'll never forget it.
A blonde woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled, and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate he started eating right away. "Johnny wait until we say our prayer." "I don't have to." The boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!
A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of circle flies." "Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's hind end?" "No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's back end." "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though!!"
A man comes running into a vets clinic with a dog in his arms and crying; doc doc you gotta help me, somethings wrong with my dog. Doctor invites him in to his office and looks the dog over. It's dead he says. Man looks baffled, no it can't be. It can't be he simply refuses to believe it. He want a second opinion on the matter! Doc says ok, and goes out into the waiting room, where he returns with a labrador. It goes to the dog, sticks it nose up it's ass and sniffs around abit. Then it looks at the doctor and goes; voof. Man is shocked tries to sit but gets up again. He is not convinced, he wants absolute confirmation on the matter. Doctor once again steps out, and brings in a cat this time. It stares coldly up and down the dead dog, then purrs and says meyaw. Doc looks at the man and he finally gives in to reality and starts sobbing. The doctor starts writing up a bill and hands it to the man. He looks at it and stares abit and says; £500, that can't be right. Can't cost that much for you to declare my dog dead? Doctor answers; the bill includes a lab test and a catscan.
Another old un... A fresh faced lad on the eve of his wedding night Goes to his mother with the following question. "Mum, why are wedding dresses white??" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mum and goes off to double-check this with his Father, "Dad why are wedding dresses white??" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white." .................................................. ................................... The Non Believer... An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! "What powerful rivers! "What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the round. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?" Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful." .................................................. ........................................... Giving up Wine... I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of quid for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten quid and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?" "No I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" asked. "Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine." .................................................. ...................................
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely. At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. 'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier. The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.' 'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?' The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously: 'I think so. Provided those ****ers at Jewsons deliver the ****ing bricks on time.'
Pregnant at 71 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her an asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?" . . . . . . . .
Why not [video=youtube;_rx2ylpEQgE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_rx2ylpEQgE#t=135[/video]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sonofabitch. Was she pretty?" "Dunno... never found the head!" .................................................. .......................................
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the Chester Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the London Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I really wanted the word fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate so she called on him. Little Johnny said, "My sister's sweater has ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
