I used to volunteer at my local disability school. Work was fine, couldn't park anywhere ****ing near it though.
So i'm sat on a bus next to a muslim with a rucksack **** i hope the bag explodes soon, anything to get me away from the smell!
Paddy is sitting on a train across from a Busty Blonde wearing a tiny mini Skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The Blonde realizes that he is staring and inquires, are you looking at my Vagina? Yes I am sorry, Paddy replies, and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright", replies the Woman" it's very talented, watch this, I will make it Blow a Kiss to you," Sure enough the vagina blows him a Kiss. By now Paddy who is completely absorbed, and asks what else the Wonder Vagina can do. "I can also make it wink" says the Woman . Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him. "Come and sit by me"suggests the woman"'patting the Seat. Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks" Would you like to stick two fingers in?" Stunned Paddy replies" You are Kidding-----You mean it can Whistle Too?"
Following the success of channel 4's documentary, 'The man with 10 stone testicles' they will be showing a programme about Coleen Rooney. 'The woman with the 15 stone cnut' will be screened next week.
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. ' The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .' The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.
In tonight's Women's European Championship match against Spain, England line up as follows: 01 Bardsley (no) 02 Scott (no) 03 Houghton (Christ no!) 06 Stoney (not if she begged for it) 15 Bassett (only if she begged for it) 04 Scott (not again) 08 Asante (never heard of him) 10 Williams (what, old bucket fanny? No) 11 Yankey (I'm already on a promise) 07 Aluko (unless she looks like Beyonce, no) 09 White (yes, and only because she's your mum)
I was shopping at Tesco and asked one of those wandering assistants, "Excuse me, where can I find a pregnancy test?" "No problem, mate," he said, "they're right beside the condoms." "Listen," I said, "if I knew where the ****ing condoms were I wouldn't need a pregnancy test."
Why is a KFC like a woman? Because, if you take away the legs and the breast, all that's left is a smelly box
A rather drunk man found himself in detention, when the door opened and two female officers came in. He look startled but they responded dryly; Don't worry, we're twins... He asked: All 4 of you?
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Just seen this and thought it was mildly amusing 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in. 4. When you are scared -- I will take the piss out of you every chance I get, until you're NOT. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until YOU STOP WHINING! 6... When your confused -- I will try to use only small words . 7... When your sick -- Stay the f*** away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you've got. 8... When you fall, I will laugh my head off at you, you clumsy arse, .........but I'll help you up. 9... This is my oath.... I pledge it too the end. 'Why?' you may ask; Because you are my friend. Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth
Computers............ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers. Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down... LOOK down, not scroll down!
Little Duck............. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Duck walk into a bar, Says to the barman Got any bread, barman says NO Duck> Got any bread, Barman> NO Duck> Got any bread, Barman> NO Duck> Got any bread, Barman> No we havent got any bread ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar, you irritating bast**d of a bird Duck> Got any nails, Barman> NO Duck> Got any bread then???....
The swans team are in the changing room. A mobile rings on a bench and Monk engages the hands free speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room can't help but listen. Monk: Hello WOMAN: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Monk: Yes WOMAN: I'm at the shops. I've found a beautiful leather coat and it's only 2000 pounds. Can I buy it? Monk: Sure, go ahead if you like it. WOMAN: I've just had a look at the new Lexus and I would really like one. Monk: How much is it? WOMAN: 90,000 pounds. Monk: OK but make sure you get all the extra options. WOMAN: OK, I'll see you later my darling. Monk: Bye, love you too. Monk hangs up. The others in the room stare at him open mouthed .He turns to them and asks 'Anyone know who's phone this is?'
A man walks into a crowded local bar in Darwin brandishing a revolver yelling, "Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar shouts back. "You don't have enough ammo mate!”
I heard a story that illustrates the way married life changes... After a year of being married a friend who is working away runs out of clean underwear.. He buys some new ones... When he gets home his wife says "oh you have new pants; are you having an affair?" Six years later the same thing happens.. This time his wife says " oh you have new pants; did you **** yourself at work?
A woman is walking down the street and see's a sign in the pet shop window reading, "FANNY LICKING FROG £25", curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog please." To which the shop keeper replies, "Bonjour!"
The psychiatrist and the proctologist -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it. So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable. So they changed the sign again. "Catatonics and High Colonics". No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives". Thumbs down again.. Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance. "Nuts and Butts" - no way. "Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good. "Loons and Moons" - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specialising in Odds and Ends". Yes, at last.
Rude Irish joke -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy is sitting on a train across from a Busty Blonde wearing a tiny mini Skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The Blonde realizes that he is staring and inquires, are you looking at my Vagina? Yes I am sorry, Paddy replies, and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright", replies the Woman" it's very talented, watch this, I will make it Blow a Kiss to you," Sure enough the vagina blows him a Kiss. By now Paddy who is completely absorbed, and asks what else the Wonder Vagina can do. "I can also make it wink" says the Woman . Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him. "Come and sit by me"suggests the woman"'patting the Seat. Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks" Would you like to stick two fingers in?" Stunned Paddy replies" You are Kidding-----You mean it can Whistle Too?"
