Looking for your name on Coke bottles is old hat! Years ago I discovered Daiswan's name was on bags of potato crisps. The label read "Thick Cut". Well - nearly right!
"How did your cat die?" "I accidently fed it dog food" "Really? That can kill a cat?" "Yeah, my dog goes ****ing mental when anyone eats his food"
A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off. A passing tramp stops and says "Since you're about to kill yourself,If you don't mind,could we have sex please?" The woman says," No you dirty old man... sod off ". The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine,I'll just go and wait at the bottom then".
Dai gets an interview for a Handyman job. The Interviewer asks him:- Can you do electrics? No replies Dai. Can you plumb? No. Can you do carpentry? No. Can you do plaster work? No. Can you lay bricks? No. Why are you applying for a job as a handyman? Well I only live just round the corner see.
The same Dai and his mate Evan go to watch the England Wales game at Twickers. They have different tickets but agree to meet up after the game in Soho. So Dai is wandering around looking for his friend when a lady asks him if he is looking for some fun. Dai says no, I'm looking for my butty Evan. Come with me she says, I'll show you Heaven. So she drags him down a side street, lifts up her skirt, no knickers and shoves his head down there. Dai examines it closely then emerges and says "No that's not him, Evan's is a bigger **** than that.
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his arse. The doctor described his condition as stable.
Watching the call centre on bbc3 its comforting to know that the person I am hanging up on is actually a complete twat in real life.
After a long, awkward silence, my mother-in-law said, "You really hate me, don't you?" "Hate is a strong word," I replied. "So you can tolerate me," she said with a smile. "Oh no, I ****ing detest you," I said. "I was just complimenting you on your choice of word."
A walking down the street sees a midget struggling with a tv set. He says to the small one "Do you want me to carry that flat screen tv for you, mate?" Midget says "F***k off! It's a KIndle". No helping some folk, eh?
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Key," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Key." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "No point asking about the beard then...."
