Although Liverpool didn't win a trophy this year,Luis Suarez still managed to taste European success.
So George Michael has been involved in an accident in the M1. To be fair, it's not the first time he's been smashed in the rear end.
Manchester City have just announced that Abu Qatada will be their new manager - because he knows a thing or two about staying in Europe
An elderly couple was watching a program on the Discovery Channel about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try that African string-and-weight thing?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "It looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "No, it's turned black..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy pulls up at the traffic lights next to a stunning bird. Paddy smiles at her and winds his window down. She smiles back and winds her window down. Paddy says ' have you farted as well' My missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what the public reaction was like. The first day she was punched, kicked spat on and received death threats. Feck knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house. I went to Dubai recently on holiday and I was offered 20 Camels in exchange for my wife. I don't actually smoke but I thought feck it, best offer I'm likely to get. I visited my wife at the hospital. "My God, you look terrible," I said. "Feck off, " she replied, "And I've told you before not to bother me while I'm at work."
When i was a kid my dad used to let me put my pocket money in a special money box under the stairs. I was fifteen before i found out it was the ****ing gas meter.
I saw a woman drop her purse in the High Street yesterday, so I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting,"You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!" She didn't hear me and she proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said,"You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's." "Thank you so much" she said,"Where is it?" I said,"I've just told you,on the floor outside McDonald's."
I went for a job interview today. The employer said - what's your biggest fault? I said - probably my honesty. He said - well, i wouldn't really say that was a fault. I said - I couldn't give a **** what you think you fat ****.
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the pavement dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, And Rather Small. Oh, How Bland It Does Appear, This Harmless Looking Little Sphere. By Its Size I Could Not Guess The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell. My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game. It Rules My Mind For Hours On End; A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend. It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry, And Hate Myself And Want To Die. It Promises Me A Thing Called Par, If I Hit It Straight And Far. To Master Such A Tiny Ball, Should Not Be Very Hard At All. But My Desires The Ball Refuses, And Does Exactly As It Chooses. It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies, And Disappears Before My Eyes. Often It Will Have A Whim, To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim. With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land, It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand. Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul, If Only It Would Find The Hole. It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup, And Swear That I Will Give It Up. And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow, But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow. Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs And losers of balls! A recent study found that the average golfer Walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that golfers drink, on Average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. This means that, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon!
I was watching TV when my wife sat down beside me, stroked my cock through my jeans and whispered, "Fancy a ****?" I said, "You're after something..." "No I'm not," she protested. "Yes you are," I said. "You're after Match of the Day. Come back in an hour."
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives: 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog's parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.. 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. 14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. And last, but certainly not least: The Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.
I was stopped by a Korean prostitute in the park last night. She smiled and said, "I'll eat you for breakfast, you handsome thing." I still don't know whether she was talking to me or my dog.
Little Johnny: "Let's see, £6,000 for materials, £4,000 for labour, then there's the electrics and the plumbing. Will do the job for 12,000." Little Patel: "I am sorry, I know my shop needs this extension but I have only £9,000 to offer you, Plus all your discounted grocery needs." Teacher: "What on earth is going on here?" Little Johnny: "Please miss, we are playing cowboys and Indians."
JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD THE "BEST BLONDE JOKE" EVER, ALONG COMES ONE LIKE THIS! A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Dave to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. Dave thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." David the milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can just splash it on my eyes."
there was a man with a wooden leg he also had a very bald head. he got an invite to a fancy dress party.so he thought what can I go as . after some thought he decided to write to a fancy dress supplier and ask for their suggestions as what he could go as.with his bodily disabilities. the company wrote back saying you could go as a pirate put a three pronged hat on a eye patch and a parrot on your shoulder and with your wooden leg you could be long john silver. the man wrote back saying he was disgusted and that it would make his wooden leg too prominent. so the company wrote back saying we are very sorry we offended you. you could go as monk get some black cotton wool stick it round the sides of your bald head and put a monks habit on this would cover your wooden leg. the man was more infuriated he wrote back saying this would make my bald head stand out and that it was more insulting than the first suggestion. the company by this time was fed up with him and wrote back. our final suggestion is pour a tin of thick treacle over your bald head shove your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple
My wife always complains I don't do enough housework but it's complete bollocks I always lift my legs so she can do the hoovering...
What do you get if you cross Tourettes with Alzheimer's? I don't know you ****, I can't ****in remember!
My father told me that, every day his allotment is getting a foot smaller.... I think he's losing the plot.
