A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine..?' asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... ' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine..!'?' Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... ' The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. Be Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'..?' 'Now wot da fock would you say..?'
A pilot and a copilot are getting ready to land their plane on an exotic foreign runway on a foggy day The pilot says “I’ve heard that this runway is pretty short, so why don’t you go ahead and give me quarter flaps, so we can slow this plane down. The copilot acknowledges, and gives quarter flaps. As they begin to see the runway through the fog, they start to see how short the runway is. Thepilot nervously says “This runway is shorter than I thought! Give me half flaps, we’ve got to slow this plane down! The copilot, also nervous, gives him half flaps. The pilot, beginning to see the runway more clearly now through the fog, starts to panic at how short the runway is. “Give me three quarter flaps!” He shouts. The copilot gives him three quarter flaps as fast as he can. All of a sudden, just as they are about to land, the fog breaks and they can see just how short the runway is. The pilot screams at his copilot “My god this runway is short! Give me full flaps, or we’ll crash! The copilot gives full flaps at blinding speed, while sweating more than he ever has in his life. They careen towards the runway, and as soon as they touch down, they slow to a complete stop before the plane can roll off the other side of the runway. “Wow” says the pilot. “This runway is shorter than our plane is!” “Yeah” says the copilot. “But it sure is wide!”
The cast of ‘The Magnificent Seven’ were asked to do an aftershave advert at Anfield. Only six of them turned up however. Yul never wore cologne...
A man checks into his hotel on a business trip and, feeling a bit lonely, he thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He looked in a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Eroveronique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotelm when back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call. 'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?' She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.
