Our neighbour's dog shat in our garden, so my mum told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog **** in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel
A refuse collector , is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin ha...sn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.. "No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie' bin?'" "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
Roberto Mancini has said he may bring a couple of new faces to Manchester City. Carlos Tevez has asked if he could have one
BREAKING: Reports that Fernando Torres was set to a return to Liverpool on transfer deadline day, but he missed the flight
Jack decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was admireing his swans shirt . His wife was standing there watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit the footy. Maybe you should sell your shirt." Jack gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" " Jack: âThere for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife." "Ex!.. Wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!â âI wasn't!" came his response
Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
First day back at school in Birmingham -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Attendance call on the first day back at school in Birmingham ... The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils : "Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?" "Here." "Achmed El Kabul?" "Here." "Fatima Al Chadoury? " "Here." "Abdul Alu Ohlmi?" "Here." "Mohammed Ibn Achrha?" "Here." "Mi Cha El Mey Er" Silence in the classroom. "Mi Cha El Mey Er" Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated, "Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?" A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Michael Meyer
I was at the airport and while the 'search team' were letting people pass and asking questions, they asked me and my wife... "Has anyone put or placed something in your suitcases without you knowing it?" I actually took 30 seconds looking down and thinking. It was a bit awkward and I then replied; "How the actual **** would I know!"
Walking past a building site & I got hit on the side of the head by an electric drill, yeah just walking by minding my own business when suddenly, Bosch!
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
I've been eating those tesco horse burgers and have found myself craving sugar cubes eating oats and my breath stinks. On the plus side, my cock has grown a foot and i can legally **** in the street!
My Mother called me a lazy bastard when she came to my house today. On the plus side though she took down the Christmas tree. Bumped up just for you Swim, soon to be mod that you are
News flashes: Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him. Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary) Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook". Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker. Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser! Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford. If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam. They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly. When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau. The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husbands point of view) The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag; T'was "fifty shades of grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread... In her left she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominater !! Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left t*t! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!? She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one"!! Well now, I can't tell no more; About what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey.
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless... So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
