Listening to the news on the way in this morning and there were a group of refugees tearfully telling their stories; the gutted buildings, abandoned and screaming children, drugs being sold everywhere, and militant fanatics taking control and dictating all aspects of life. "If this gets any worse, we'll have to leave Cardiff," sobbed Abdul.
I"m having some problems with my new Staffordshire Bull Terrier- I rang the vet for some advice. I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason. The vet replied " Muzzle "im? " No, I said- I think he"s an atheist.
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it".
Can't make the #NottingHillCarnival this weekend? No problem, simply recreate the whole experience at home by bashing some upturned saucepans with a spoon for 16hrs, cough up £10 for a homemade hotdog, stab yourself and then hand over your wallet to a complete stranger. Sorted
There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.
