The mrs decided to wear a Cardiff top for a week to see the public reaction. The first morning she was spat on, swore at, punched in the face, kicked up the arse and received death threats. Fcuk knows how it will go when she leaves the house.
The missus is pissed off with me again . Last night whilst she was fast asleep , i gently removed her tampax and replaced it with a party popper, leaving the string hanging out enough for her to pull. I tell you, she`s got no fcuking sense of humour at all !!!
At some point in a guy's life . . . it comes down to this Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "S*** Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?” "Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!! She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes ! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So . . . . here I am ! I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted "Where you off to Charlie?" He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb." Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. .then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward init?" "Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard." An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses. He said no, but he had once told a donkey to f**k off!
A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men's' room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP, and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!" Still curious he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The Button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow!"
My wife has told me that she has quit smoking. To see if she's telling the truth, I've gone to work & left the gas on.
Rumour has it Jim Davidson was playing the wrong Generation Game. My new years resolution for 2006 is to sort out my dementia issues. You can't trust atoms.......they make up everything.
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards. .... Forwards then backwards. .... Back and forth... back and forth... In and out, in and out.... Her heart was now pounding faster, her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally exhausted she let out one almighty scream!!! "OK !... OK!... I CANT park the fvcking car! You do it you SMUG BASTARD!"
I'm selling my pet python on ebay. Some bloke just rang up and asked "Is it big?" I said "Massive." He said "How many feet?" I said "None, it's a fvckin snake!"
Putting the decorations away in the attic, I found an old copy of the 1977 Radio Times, or as its now called, The Sex Offenders Register
A highways warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel,blankets, Sleeping bag,extra clothing,including a scarf,hat,gloves, 24hour supply of food and drink,de-icer,rock salt,torch,safety triangle, tow rope,petrol can,first aid kit and jump leads. I looked a right twat on the bus this morning!
I just head about the 'Palestine model shot in in Israel'. I hope it was Wallace, I really like Gromit
What's the UK coming to. First it was horsemeat in Tesco burgers, now I've heard about camel toe in Primark ladies leggings.
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, What's with that guy over there by the wall?â The clerk says, âWell, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative. The owner says, You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives; The clerk says, Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough; A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole. The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball." The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass out that cue ball, he measures everything first." A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands. That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Ahmed replied, "****, from back there I thought you said "Goats." A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. 'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.' Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech... At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'
Following the Tesco horse meat scare,the Irish Co-op now think they've found traces of Zebra in the bar codes
Young Charlie was offered a Ferrari he really didn't want. He apparently told his Dad, all the other kids get bows and arrows or Robin Hood suits, and get to dress up as their favourite characters. Ok said his Dad, Martin Morgan, what would you really like to help you after that naughty man kicked the **** out of you ?? What I'd really like ,said young Charlie, is a Mickey Mouse outfit. So his Dad bought him Cardiff City.
A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my penis. Weirdo never showed up!
Liverpool are having big trouble selling tickets for their 'end of season' bash. It turns out people don't like going to parties in February
This woman looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Lager or Bitter?" I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out." *********** I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your attractive friends over there instead of you." *********** I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"? I said, “Yesterday." *********** I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. *********** I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
