JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

When Fred Astaire opened the oven and the cake exploded... he had pudding on his top hat, pudding on his white tie and pudding on his tails.....

 

Why wasn't Paul McCartney any good at darts

All his doubles seemed so far away......

 

The wife said she's leaving me due to my obsession with 80's music.


I said " oh, come on Eileen " .

 

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I used to work in New York in a factory that recycled old shoes.it was a boring job just standing pulling a handle on the machine all day but I tried to cheer myself up each morning with a little song."start shredding the shoes..I'm levering today"

 

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My mate confessed to me that he has a weird habit of colouring in the tops of peoples arms...

I think he was just looking for a shoulder to crayon!

 

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Little Johnny was playing with something in the road, and his local priest came up to him and said "Hello little Johnny what are you playing with?" Little Johnny said "Sulphuric Acid."
Father Walsh said "you mustn't play with that, it's dangerous."
Little Johnny said "I don't tell you not to play with holy water."
Father Walsh said " No, because holy water is good.
The other day I put holy water on a pregnant woman's tummy and she passed a baby boy."
"That's nothing" Little johnny said "The other day I put Sulphuric acid on my dogs bollocks and he passed a Ferrari."

 

Steve Bruce has promised that Newcastle will definitely take part in a major European competition next year..............even if he has to write the song himself !!

 

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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight !"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200 !!

 

I used to go out with a parachutist who had IBS, but she shat on me from a great height.

 

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I walked into a Chemist and asked to talk to a Male Pharmacist.

The woman I was speaking with said she was the only Pharmacist and since she and her Sister owned the shop, there were NO Male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male Pharmacist.??

She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying,

“This is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So, I was wondering what you could give me for it”..???

The Pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my Sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and here’s the absolute best we can do :-

• Free room and board,

• 1/3 ownership in the business,

• a Company Car,

• a King Size Bed, and

• £2,000 a month in Living Expenses.