woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. The boyfriend agrees. The bartender brings the drink and puts a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice on the bar. The boyfriend puts the salt on his tongue... salty but okay. He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks, "this is okay." Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it. In one second the sharp lime taste hits... At two seconds the Baileys curdles... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits... At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex but, being manly and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend and says, "Jesus! What do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."
I was a contestant on Family Fortunes. I was asked to name an alcoholic spirit. You should have seen the look I got when I said George Best.
The air Traffic Controller on duty in the air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a mobile phone. He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!" The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone: "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!" He began his series of questions: Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me." Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me." Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how you do you know you're flying upside down?" Aircraft: "The **** in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.
A man goes to the doctors and says doctor everytime I masturbate I sing 'Glory Glory Man United'. The doctor says that's normal, all ****ers sing that.
Wayne Rooney was asked for his thoughts on Brexit and he said it's the most important meal of the day.
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T'shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "you've got to make love to me this very moment" My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "what was that about" She explained, "The EGG TIMER'S broken"
What the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? At least a zit waits until you're a teenager before it comes on your face.
New What if Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Manuals? If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted ‘cause the index doesn’t hash, Then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash! If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, ‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
