A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Just phoned the police and said there's 2 girls fighting over me, The operator said sorry ," that's not an emergency ! I said of course it is... the ugly ones winning... please log in to view this image
Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. Because, if you're with a woman, and you don't 100% trust her, how do you know she's not going to tell your wife?
I totally agree with you!! That’s me on my regular Flybe flight taking off to the south and looking down on the **** hole that’s St Mary’s.
A guy walks into a pub, gets a seat next to a really attractive MILF. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch. "She says "Date running late?" He says "Nope, i just got this state of the art watch and i was just testing it" She said "State of the art, what's so special about it?" He said, well it uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically" She says, "What's it telling you now?" He said , "Well it's telling me you ain't wearing any panties!" She laughs, "Well it must be broken, because i am" He taps the watch and says "S*it it's an hour fast!!!!"
Wife came home from work to find her husband watching the football. "I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football. You think about nothing else," she said. "I'm also seeing someone else. He's younger than you, handsome, understanding, tender, treats me like a queen, does anything I ask, has a 9 inch dick and ****s me hard and dirty till I can't take anymore." "Really?" The husband replies. "What football team does he support?"
An Irish Road Accident.. Paddy phones an Ambulance because his mate's been hit by a Car. Paddy: 'Get an Ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.' Operator: 'What is your location sir?' Paddy: 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street ...' Operator: 'How do you spell that sir"..??? Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute. Operator: 'Are you there sir"..?? More heavy breathing and another minute later. Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me'..?? This goes on for another few minutes until.... Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me".?? Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell Eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street.
A young woman walks into a sex shop. She slowly walks up to the cashier at the counter and asks. “d-d-d-d-d-do you s-s-s-s-sell d-d-d-d-dildos?” The cashier responds. “Yes we do” The woman says “d-d-d-d-do you s-s-s-s-sell b-b-b-b-big d-d-d-d-dildos that c-c-come wit-with a vi-vi-vi-vibrator?” Once again the cashier responds “Yes we do” The woman says “d-d-d-d-do you n-n-n-n-n-know h-h-h-h-h-h-how to t-t-t-t-turn them off?”
A young man pulled an older woman at a club last night. She was very attractive for 57. They drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if he'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome? He said no. They drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was his lucky night. He went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, are you still awake?"
