To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs
Two female officers killed in a grenade attack....where's Bruno Mars when you need him? .......too soon?
There was a man from cocket whos wife tied his bal== to a rocket the rocket went bang his bal-- went clang and his wife found the remains in his pocket.
My wife always complains when I administer her medication. "I'm sorry love" I told her, "but the Doctor said pushing the suppositories in with two fingers was the best way to do it." "I know" she replied, "but I don't think he told you to have a **** while you do it."
"A Vodka Martini please mate," I said as I pushed my way in front of two massive women in the cocktail bar. "That's very rude!" one of them said. "Just for that you can buy ours! That'll be two margaritas." "And two cheese and tomato pizzas for these fat cnuts please."
My girlfriend was putting sun cream on. "Do you mind doing my back?" she asked. "Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes." "Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?" And that was all the invitation I needed...
I've set up a demolition company and I don't have to pay my workers. All I do is spray paint 'Mohammad likes bum sex' on the side of the building.
I shoved some grapes up my girlfriend's arse during kinky sex last night. She didn't scream or anything, just let out a little wine.................
I recently lost my well paid job as a tight rope walker. I'm feeling really positive though, thanks to my utility companies. They keep sending me letters telling me my balance is outstanding.
A man walks into a pharmacy and says "wheres the tampax?" the assistant replies " over there mate" The man returns with cotton wool balls & toilet paper. "thought you wanted tampax?" "yeah i do, but last week i asked the wife to buy me a pack of ***s, but she came back with a pouch of tobacco and rizlas cos it was cheaper!!! - so lets see how she likes rolling her ****ing own
I rang babestation the other night. A sexy voice answered saying "hey big boy, what can I do for you?" I said "****ing hide quick! My wife's coming and I've lost the remote!!"
My girlfriend invited me to her house. I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy and whispered in my ear, "I have feelings for you, shall we have sex?" I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car. I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: "You've won my trust" Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car.
I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing i had to apologise to the man at the next urinal
Did you here the one about the Swansea mods .... it's a good thing Phil set the bar low ...Lol .. Cheers !!
Whilst on holiday in Spain with my girlfriend, I thought it would be funny to push her in the swimming pool.She completely lost it though. "Calm down," I said, as I pulled her out of the water, everybody is looking at us." "Calm down?" she shouted, coughing and splattering, "You know I can't swim!" "Ok, I'm sorry," I said, "I was only having a laugh." "A laugh?" she screamed, "Just dive down and get my wheelchair, I'm going home."
Policeman stops a drunk driver and asks him to take a breath test. Driver pulls out an NHS card "This man is asthmatic please don't take his breath". Policeman asks him to take a blood test. The driver pulls out another NHS card "This man is anaemic please don't take his blood". Policeman then asks the driver to take a urine test. Driver pulls out a third NHS card which read "This man is a cardiff city season ticket holder please don't take the piss".
