"A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset. _"You are a disrespectful pig!"_ she cried. _"How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"_ The husband calmly replied, _"Hang on just a minute love. At least let me tell you what happened."_ _"Fine, go ahead",_ the wife sobbed, _"but they will be the last words you say to me!"_ The husband began: _"Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."_ _"She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days."_ _"Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously."_ _"She was dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away."_ _"I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."_ _"I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don't have good taste."_ _"I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair."_ The husband paused, took a quick breath and continued: _"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, *“Please sir... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”*
A 73 yr old woman is in court for streaking at the Chelsea Flower show. She was let off with a caution but was awarded 1st prize for best dried bush arrangement.!!
I got a new job with the Samaritans last week....... I tried to phone in sick this morning but the ****ers talked me out of it......!!!
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, she will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give into his most intimate desires, she will make him feel confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.....No wait.....I'm thinking of Beer, it's f*cking Beer that does that!
Stanley decided to lookup his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted Yorkshireman. He found Alf at his bungalow in Huddersfield stripping the wallpaper from the dining room. Rather obviously, he remarked, "You're decorating, I see." To which Alf replied, "Nay Stanley lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."
A lorry driver goes on a date with a girl, afterwards they go back to her parents place, and just beginning to have sex on the couch when he feels the cold steel of a gun barrel on his neck.. Before he could turn around her father said "if ur a real lorry driver u'll be able to back out of there with a full load !
He nervously inserted a finger: it felt warm and wet. "I'm gonna need more than that," she said. Taking a breath, he then put in 3 fingers. "Go on, get your whole hand in," she demanded. He wanted to please her, so he did what she said: he was really sweating now. "It's no good, you'll have to put both hands in". He closed his eyes & thrust forward with his other hand & she let out a scream. "There you go, it's not that hard doing the washing up..!
