Penis surgery CLICK HERE TO REMOVE THESE ADVERTS A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a serious accident on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll be able to walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor continues, "You have £9000 in insurance compensation coming to you and we now have the technology to build you a new penis. They function great but they are not cheap. It costs £1000 an inch to replace." The man cheers up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a three inch penis before and get a new nine inch one now, she might be a bit concerned. However, if you had a nine inch one before and you decide to only invest in a three inch one now, she might be very disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you to make a decision." The man agrees to discuss it with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you to make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor "We're getting a new kitchen with granite worktops."
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a serious accident on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll be able to walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor continues, "You have £9000 in insurance compensation coming to you and we now have the technology to build you a new penis. They function great but they are not cheap. It costs £1000 an inch to replace." The man cheers up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a three inch penis before and get a new nine inch one now, she might be a bit concerned. However, if you had a nine inch one before and you decide to only invest in a three inch one now, she might be very disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you to make a decision." The man agrees to discuss it with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you to make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor "We're getting a new kitchen with granite worktops."
Two interesting facts about me. 1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens. 2) I'm banned from Argos.
My gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple. Apparently they have a patent for overpriced crap for arseholes.
Fifty shades of Swansea: Even though he only had one tattoo I yearned for him to fill those lonely hours between Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women. As he approached, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my Lonsdale top would be hanging off the lampshade tonight. As I stood in the line at the Job Centre a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, BO and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dai. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind Lidls. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the excitement. I ken it was love when I could feel the edges of his sovereign rubbing against the rim of my arsehole. I knew then my life had changed forever.
I've just heard the awful news that one of the guys that walked on the moon has died.That's terrible, I ****ing loved the Clangers.
Apparently Emile Heskey is in talks to join Glasgow Rangers. Never knew the SFA imposed a goal scoring ban on them as well.
I saw a headline that read 'Mo Farah has had twins'. Lucky git, first two gold medals then a threesome.
I've just found out the old lady across the road has parkinsons. Quite relieved really, I thought she had been calling me a ****3r for the last 3 months.
After a rape many women lose their sex drive hence the expression 'once you go black you never go back'
Brendan Rodgers has been caught speeding on his way home after a Liverpool game. He'll do anything for 3 points.
I started drinking that Pro-Biotic yoghurt, but then the devil starting appearing. My doctor said I shouldn't be dabbling with the Yakult. A Greek, named Yanni, moved to the midwest after getting off the boat and bought himself a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, that farmer drove up and said, "I'm Sorry, but I have some bad news...the donkey died just last night." "Well, then, just give my money back kefala." "I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already." "OK, then. Just unload that donkey." "What are you gonna do with him?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey, you crazy Greek!" "Well that's where you wrong. You watch me and you learn how we Greeks so smart!" A month later the farmer met up with the Greek and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"! "I raffled that donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made $998." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just that guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back! Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will the job will run about $900: $400 for material, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or fugure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700" The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!" "How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!", replies the government official. A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse, he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely...... ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? ' A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, âThis is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.â The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, âWhich do you want, son?â The boy takes the quarters and leaves. âWhat did I tell you?â said the barber. âThat kid never learns!â Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. âHey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?â The boy licked his cone and replied, âBecause the day I take the dollar, the game is over!â
A Husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel". The manager replied "Sir that's a personal matter ". Husband replies "Like **** it is! The window won't open so that's a maintenance matter !
My wife knocked on the toilet door and said, "Hurry up , I need a poo!" "**** off," I shouted, "I'm trying to have a **** in here." "So that's more important than my diarrhoea?" she said calmly. "I'm just about to cum," I screamed, "So if you shut your fat ****ing mouth I'll be out in a couple of minutes!" What an impatient twat she is........... God knows what everybody on the plane must've been thinking.
Paparazzi........... Please stop printing naked photos of our royals. I don't care about it being an invasion of their privacy.... I just can't cope with the idea that one day my eyes might be subjected to Camilla's minge :-o
