Me to Doctor: I’ve hurt my penis in a surfing accident... Doctor: Did you fall off your board... Me: No, I slammed my laptop shut when the wife walked in...
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross
Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling. When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, tore open her blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her Bra off, starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kissed them passionately. A side glance at her husband he then puts his hand up her skirt rips her G-String off and fondles her wildly while her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrows and mouth wide open. Jacqueline flushed, try’s to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a total daze. The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?' Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them. Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oooooooohhh God, mine does!!!"
I missed the World hairdressing championships on BBC 1 last night . Does anyone know if they're showing highlights ?
The police stopped my car “Do the letters H.S. mean anything to you?” they asked. “No’’. “What about W.D. then?” “No, means nothing to me.” I said. “How about F.J.?” “Am I suspected of something? What’s this about?” ‘’Just initial inquiries, Sir”
Hope everybody got what they really wanted for Christmas. My lovely family clubbed together to buy me a voucher for some luxury clinic in Switzerland. Silly bastards must've clicked the wrong box on the booking form though, 'cause it's only a one way flight!! Easily done I suppose!!....
The missus is not speaking to me because I wouldn’t open the car door for her. It’s not my fault I just panicked and swam to the surface.......
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks..... Cost me an arm and a leg.......
