Ladies wondering what to get for your real mans birthday ? well wonder no more ! http://www.e90post.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6390118
Harry Redknapp has just agreed his severance package of £3 million. After tax that amounts to £3 million.
Sensitivity Training - 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: A. Lovemaking. B. Screwing 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results. C. Five tequila slammers. 3. You always time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax simultaneously. C. You don't miss Match of the Day. 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: A. Healthy, creative love-play. B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to. C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about. 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: A. The best part of the experience. B. The second best part of the experience. C. £100 extra. 6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: A. Of no influence on your affection for her. B. Not a problem, she can join your gym. C. A conservative estimate. 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: A. A myth. B. An oxymoron. C. A moron. 8. Foreplay is to sex as: A. An appetizer is to an entree. B. Primer is to paint. C. A long line is to an amusement park ride. 9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy. B. Is uptight and a waste of time. C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place. Evaluating Results: If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man. If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused. If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news? 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ... "In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days." "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request???' The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request???" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request ???" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "READ MY LIPS!!!!" FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... "BRING POSSE"
I've perfected this years "party piece" ... I take 2 lengths of cord/string and swallow them individually, some time later they re-appear from my bum ...joined together ! .. I s**t you knot
Forty gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. > > St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up GOD, saying: > > 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?' > > GOD replies 'We’re over our quota on Pikeys. > > Go back out to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose among them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.' > > Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to GOD again. > > 'They've gone', he tells GOD. > > 'What?' says GOD, 'All 40 of them?' > > 'No, the Pearly Gates'.
Apparently Harry Redknapp resigned 3 weeks ago but it's taken until now for the Spurs board to decipher his letter...................
Hodgson asked the English squad if they'd settle for pens against Italy. Everyone but Rooney said yes - he said he wanted crayons.
So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise because she hates his movies.. Apparently she found out that he'd been in 'A Few Good Men'.
A man lying in bed facing his wife, looks into her eyes and says "Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery babe". She replies "You mean I'm worth millions?" He says "No, I wish you would ****ing roll over!"
The missus decided to take an aerobics class. I was amazed at the way she bent, twisted and jumped up and down for an hour. Unfortunately, by the time the fat cow got her leotard on the class was over!!!
A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the welfare officer. "Ten" replies the Liverpool girl. "Ten?" says the welfare worker. "What are their names?" "Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan" "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it. "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker. "That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames".
If the Olympics have taught me anything it's that China may have a population of over 1 billion... But they only have two hair styles.
This morning, I've been watching the female athletes on the TV. Unfortunately, I now have a bad case of Ennis Elbow.
Thinking of writing my own filthy book like Fifty Shades, so far I have got: "I gently ran my fingers down her front until I found the smoothness of her ****. She was wetter than a spastic's chin!" What do you think?
Team GB win gold in the fencing, after a competitor from Liverpool disposes of three watches and two DVD players in under five minutes ...
