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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

  1. swainseye

    swainseye Member

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    Irish Virus
    Greetings, You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS". As we don't have any programming experience, this Virus works on the honour system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation.
     
    #21
  2. swainseye

    swainseye Member

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    On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Southern England
    were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through. So the good wife went out and moved her car.

    A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through. " The good wife went out and moved her car again.

    The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
    says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

    Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

    Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

    "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
     
    #22
  3. mustyfrog

    mustyfrog Well-Known Member

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    pmsl swainseye
     
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  4. alswan

    alswan Member

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    I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.


    I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.


    The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'


    I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'


    This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'


    I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
     
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  5. DragonPhilljack

    DragonPhilljack Well-Known Member

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    On a urinal's wall in Wales, "Keep peeing lads the bloody English want Welsh water!!"..................
    please log in to view this image







    An English politician was giving a speech in Aberystwyth. He said: “I was born an Englishman. I have been an Englishman all my life, and I will die an Englishman!”

    “What’s wrong, boyo?” shouted a voice from the crowd.“Got no ambition, have you?”...................
    please log in to view this image
     
    #25
  6. swimaway

    swimaway Well-Known Member

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    I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’
    He said: ‘How flexible are you?’
    I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’
     
    #26
  7. swimaway

    swimaway Well-Known Member

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    Did you here the one about a dyslexic man who walks into a bra?
     
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  8. swimaway

    swimaway Well-Known Member

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    Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
     
    #28
  9. DragonPhilljack

    DragonPhilljack Well-Known Member

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    Someone get him out of here!...................
    please log in to view this image
     
    #29
  10. Stid

    Stid Active Member

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    A guy walks into a library and says 'Have you got a book on suicide'

    and the librarian says 'Sod off you wont bring it back'
     
    #30
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  11. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    Paddy & Mik walking through the forest and see a sign saying tree fellers wanted, good rates of pay ! Paddy says to mik ," pitty theres just the two of us ".

    They keep on walking and Mik says "im busting for a **** but i got nothing to wipe me arse !" Paddy says why dont you use that fiver you said youve got ?. Ok so off Mik goes behind some trees a little while later he comes back covered in ****, Paddy laughs wot the **** happened to you ? Mik replies " have you tried wiping your arse with five pound coins !!".

    Later they sit down and start chatting and Paddy tells mik about his recent parachute jump, Mik says wot was it like ? Paddy says well ill tell you , as the plane got higher i started to bottle it a bit but when i was last to get to the door i really **** myself ! but the jump instructor was a huge black man and he said iff you dont jump im gonna stick my 14 inch dick up your arse ! Mik says did you jump ? Paddy says " a little bit when it first went in "..
     
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  12. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    I just tried to buy tickets for an elvis tribute act. Right nightmare, it was on a automated telephone system. I had to press 1 for the money and 2 for the show!

    My wife said to me, "You only ever want sex when you're drunk!!"I replied "That's not true, sometimes I want a kebab!
     
    #32
  13. swainseye

    swainseye Member

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    PETER KAY'S ONE LINERS

    1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

    2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

    3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

    4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

    5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

    6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

    7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

    8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

    9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

    10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

    11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

    12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

    13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither

    14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

    15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

    16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
     
    #33
  14. Jager

    Jager Well-Known Member

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    JAGER'S ONE LINERS

    1) Leeds
    2) QPR

    That is all ;)
     
    #34
  15. swainseye

    swainseye Member

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    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Irish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Sassenach Morning Herald read:

    "English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".

    One week later, the Neath Guardian in Neath, South Wales, reported the following:

    "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Crynant, West Glamorgan, Owain Jenkins, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all. Owain has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Wales had already gone wireless."

    Just makes you proud to be Welsh!
     
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  16. NewJerseySwan

    NewJerseySwan Member

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    Dai the Jack, long term Swans Fan sadly passes away and goes to Heaven. His is warmly greeted by St Peter who tells him "You've been a good man all your life and a loyal Swansea City fan. You are welcome here. Dai asks. "Is it possible for me to take a peek at hell before I come in, I'm just curious. St Peter says "Sure, take that elevator, when you get to the bottom you can see it through the glass. So Dai goes down and takes a look then goes back up to heaven. St Peter asks him what he thought of it. Dai says " Well it was nothing like I thought it to be, there was snow and blizzards, ice and glaciers and polar bears". ST Peter says "Wow, Cardiff City must have got into the Premiership!"
     
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  17. swimaway

    swimaway Well-Known Member

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    I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.
     
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  18. swimaway

    swimaway Well-Known Member

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    I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
     
    #38
  19. Southcoast Swan

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    I had an upside down **** the other day, don't know what came over me.
     
    #39
  20. It'sChicoTime

    It'sChicoTime Well-Known Member

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    Little Tommy was sat in the paddock watching the bull ****ing the cow. "Mummy, Mummy, the bull is ****ing the cow" shouted Tommy. "NO Tommy, it's called surprising the cows" replied his mum, to which Tommy said "Oh, okay".
    Later on, Tommy runs in the house and shouts "Mummy, mummy, the bull is surprising ALL the cows". Mummy say's "Don't be so stupid, he can't surprise ALL the cows at the same time". "Yes he can" came the reply from Tommy. "He's ****ing the horse".
     
    #40
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