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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

Page 191 of 872
  1. swanseaandproud

    swanseaandproud Well-Known Member

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    #3801
    swanseaandproud, Dec 3, 2018
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3802
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 3, 2018
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Breaking News:- New Southampton management team just announced.......

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    #3803
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 3, 2018
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man goes to the doctor feeling very ill. The doctor checks him over and says, “I'm Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24, because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth
    .”So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the bad news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £50. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £350.Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that as well - winning £400,000!The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,“Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the National Game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!”“Lucky?” the bloke screams, “Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.”

    “Blow me,” says the bingo caller, “You've won the raffle as well!”
     
    #3804
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 3, 2018
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3805
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 3, 2018
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3806
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 4, 2018
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Merry Christmas - help yourself to a nice Minge Pie

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    #3807
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 4, 2018
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3808
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 4, 2018
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  9. neveroffsidereff

    neveroffsidereff Well-Known Member

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    I thought they’d just sacked Bungle!! :)
     
    #3809
    neveroffsidereff, Dec 4, 2018
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  10. swanseaandproud

    swanseaandproud Well-Known Member

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    #3810
    swanseaandproud, Dec 4, 2018
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3811
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 5, 2018
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3812
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 5, 2018
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3813
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 5, 2018
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas.

    1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

    2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

    3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

    4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

    5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

    6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

    7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

    8. You still have a little bit on your chin.

    9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

    10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
     
    #3814
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 5, 2018
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My neighbour has always got to go one better. How many Christmas trees does he need for f*ck sake?

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    #3815
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 5, 2018
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  16. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    The Morning After The Office Party!!!
    Jack wakes up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.

    He doesn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?
    Thursday. His wife must have gone to work. As he struggles into
    consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach
    plummets as he wonders just what the hell he did last night.

    He forces himself to open his eyes. The first thing he sees is a
    couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and,
    next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the
    garden. He sits up. The bedroom is clean and tidy, there is no trail
    of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air is coming in through the
    window and all is serene. He stumbles to the bathroom, also pristine,
    and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, sees that he has a black eye.
    This is not a good sign, but no memories are returning.

    As he concentrates hard on getting the world into focus, he sees a
    post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It is written in red,
    with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife. 'I'll ring your
    office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven.
    Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's
    snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today; hope your eye
    doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
    Jillian. x '

    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
    steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenage son is sitting at
    the table, eating. Jack, bracing himself, asks his son what happened
    the previous night.

    'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
    You fell over the coffee table and broke it. Then you puked up big time in the
    hallway and up the stairs and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

    Confused, he asks his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order,
    aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for
    me?'

    His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when
    she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you
    slapper, I'm happily married!!'

    Broken Coffee Table £250
    Hot Breakfast £3.50
    Two Aspirins 20 pence
    Saying the right thing, at the right time.....PRICELESS!
     
    #3816
    swantastic, Dec 6, 2018
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just bought me a Diane Abbot advent calendar.

    I didn't know there were 43 days in December!
     
    #3817
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 6, 2018
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3818
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 6, 2018
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Anyone having problems on O2 with the network ?

    They have a new tariff which might help you in this situation.

    Unlimited smoke signals, unlimited messages in a bottle and 500 carrier pigeons.
     
    #3819
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 6, 2018
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
    On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
    ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
    ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
    A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
    The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
    Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
    She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
    The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
    Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
    He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
    ‘I was behind you at McDonald's’.
     
    #3820
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 6, 2018
    daimungeezer and neveroffsidereff like this.
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