Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. ' She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down.' So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, 'The bastard used coins!' Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
I just took a leaflet out my letterbox informing me I can enjoy sex at 75. . . . . It's ideal because I live at 55 so its not far to walk home afterwards.
A man received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. The man tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, the man put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. The man was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." The man was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
I went out with an ugly girl last night. Back at her place, we were kissing and cuddling when she said "I never have sex on the first date" So I said "What about the last?"
A customer asks "In what aisle will I find Irish sausage?" The assistant asks "Why, are you Irish?" Clearly offended, the man replies "Yes I am, but let me ask you something, if I had asked for bratwurst would you have asked me if I was German? Or if I'd asked for tacos would you have asked if I was Mexican?" "Probably not" says the assistant. "So why ask me if I'm Irish?" So the assistant says "Because your in Halfords you knob!"
I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom. I sprinkled some more over the bed. I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table. I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening ever. I was quite nervous... Now all I needed was the perfect way to introduce myself.
A sergeant major is inspecting his newest recruits and picks on one small lad in the front row. "What's your name, Private?" "Pizza." "I don't think you heard me son. I didn't ask your favourite ****ing food. What's your name?" "Pizza." "You think you're smart son? I don't want nicknames or any of that street ****. I want your name. The one your mummy gave you. This is your last chance. What is your ****ing name?" "Pizza." The sergeant grabs the helpless soldier and kicks the **** out of him then calls to another lad. "Let this be a lesson to you all! Take this sack of **** to the medical room!" "Yes sir," replies the soldier. "And what shall I do with Pete's rifle?"
Liverpool fans have always thought of Kenny Dalglish as one of their own. It's a belief that will grow even stronger now that he's unemployed!!!!!
My wife fell asleep on the sofa. Feeling a little naughty I grabbed a marker pen and wrote "World's worst mum" on her forehead. The next morning she looked in the mirror and went ****ing mental at me. I had no idea that having a miscarriage affects your sense of humour.
The Prawn, fell in love with the Crab...and it was mad about this Crab. And it went home to it's family, and it said; "Look, I'm mad about this crab that lives up round that big rock at the end." And the Prawn's father was furious, he said; "YOU are NOT going to be seen with a CRAB! Ridiculous animals...they go sideways! No way! You go to the crab and say it's off. No way. Tell the crab it's finished!" So the Prawn went back to the Crab and said; "Crab, I'm terribly sorry, it's off. Because my father says that you look pretty bloody stupid 'cos you go sideways. Ha Ha! As a matter of fact you do!" The Crab was furious, he said; " That does it! I'll be down this evening, I'll have a seaweed and soda with your father." And went off, like this (Use your hand to imitate a crab scurrying away). Now, at 6 o'clock in the evening the Prawns were all sitting around their rock and the weed opened...and in came the Crab. And to everybody's amazement he came straight, like this (Use your hand to imitate the crab stumbling forward instead of sideways. And the Prawn rushed up and said; "Crab! Crab! You're wonderful! You're going straight!" And the Crab said; Deliver punch line out of the side of your mouth, winking "Shut up I'm pissed!" David Niven on Parky.
Blind man walks into a shop, his guide dog pulling him along. All of a sudden the blind man takes the lead with 2 hands and starts swinging the dog round his head (mime this, adding in woofs and yelps, imitating the dogs poor face with tongue hanging out the side of his mouth etc.) The shop keeper says (pull stunned face, mime him ducking the dog and catching stuff falling off the shelves); "Can I help you???? What the FUK do you think you're doing!?!?" Blind man replies; "Keep your fooking shirt on! just taking a look around that's all!". Billy Connolly.
My boss called me today and said, "Where the hell are you?"I said, "I'm relaxing in the garden with my mate Dave. I'm already on my fourth can of lager.""I don't ****ing believe you!" he shouted."Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me. "Dave, isn't this my fourth can?"
When I was a young man,I fell in love with a beautiful lady petrol pump attendant. We broke up after three months and I was heartbroken. Even today I can't go past a petrol station without filling up.
A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the **** had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice came, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
met two thai girls last night they said that if i went with them to their room it would be like winning the lottery. and they were right SIX MATCHING BALLS.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'. "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
