> Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking > > Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk. > "Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors. > > "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. > > "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. > > "Now we eat everybody." And they did. > > When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?" > > His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the **** inside!"
The Postman Cometh One Monday morning the Charlie the postman walked through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. "Wow, David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the Postman commented. David, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'." The Postman thinks a moment and said, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?' ?" " Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.." The postman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it." "Probably a good thing you did," David responded. "Your name came up 7 times."
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. 'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.' 'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun. 'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.' 'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.' 'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly. 'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.' 'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!
Stick your wife/girlfriends name into Google images and see what u could have won http://www.google.co.uk/imghp?hl=en&tab=ii
CALCULATE whether the new budget is good for you by looking at your watch. If it's worth more than £5k, you're ok.
The Queen was in Cardiff on an official visit(Buying pegs) when The Mayor of Cardiff noticed her hat and remarked " Oi Loikes your hat your ma'amship" She replied "Its made out of Arctic Fox" He says "It's well on the way to being harf toidy" (They tarks loike that dewn Cairdiff) And she replies "It was my husbands idea.he asked where i was orf and i said Cardiff" and he said "Where the fox hat!!".....SHABOOM I'm ere all week!!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting flies he responded." O have you killed any yet she asked. "Yep. 3 males 2 females" he replied. Intrigued she asked "how can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the f*****g phone !
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like ****." The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
Monastery Life A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. 'We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !' His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?' With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was... CELEB R ATE !!!
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car. Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.' Operator: 'What is your location sir?' Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.' Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?' Silence.... and after a minute. Operator: 'Are you there sir?' More silence and another minute later. Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?' This goes on for another few minutes until.... Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?' Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn’t spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.' =================================================================================
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.." He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales." He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.. She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."
People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation. People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers. People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X. And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y. Why do we call the last group Generation Y? Y should I get a job? Y should I leave home and find my own place? Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours? Y should I clean my room? Y should I wash and iron my own clothes? Y should I buy any food?
NEWS FLASH >>>>>> Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital. "It's great, he can almost string a sentence together," said Fabrice.
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and couldn't play anymore. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge.... .....looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy?" He said, "I'm NOT happy!" . . . . . "My balls are itchy!"
New directive for Premiership referees.Next season they MUST wear Man U shirts while officiating at Old Trafford, so's not to confuse the opposition
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is standing outside of the ladies dressing room waiting for his mum to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his mum comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" She shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want." What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing between her legs. "Hell no," he cries, "You've got teeth down there!" "Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!" "Yes, there are," he says, "my mum told me so." "No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek. "No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mum already told me that all women have teeth down there." "Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there." The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
This is a true customer feed back article for hair removal cream sold by Amazon ....... Your Amazon.co.uk | Today's Deals | Gift Cards | Gifts & Wish Lists Your Account | Help Customer Review 3,457 of 3,468 people found the following review helpful DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS, 24 Jan 2012 By AndrewThis review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200ml (Personal Care) Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS. (I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.) Help other customers find the most helpful reviews Was this review helpful to you? Report abuse | Permalink Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200ml B000KKNQBK Veet Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200ml Welcome DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS. (I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.) Andrew 24 Jan 2012 Overall: 5 Post a comment
A senior citizen drove his brand new porche convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a speed cop behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the coppers arrival. Pulling in behind him, the copper walked up to the porche, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Speed cop. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the copper.
Found my Nan dead in her bed this morning, I was gutted. I put my arms round her and held her, as a tear rolled down my cheek, I noticed she was naked. One thing led to another and I ended up ****ing her, just as I was about to cum in her arse she shouted BOO! I mean come on, what sort of sick **** pretends to be dead?
