Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I see that the Spice Girls are playing The Stadium of Light next year. You'd have to fancy them to come away with all three points.
Beautiful Insults. These glorious insults are from an era beforethe English language changed themto 4-letter words. The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." ================================================= A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." ================================================= "He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr =============================================== "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. Winston Churchill =============================================== "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow ============================================= "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). ============================================== "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas =============================================== "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain ================================================= "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." Oscar Wilde ================================================== "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill =================================================== "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one." Winston Churchill's response ==================================================== "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop =================================================== "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright =================================================== "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb ==================================================== "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson =================================================== "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating ================================================== "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand ================================================== "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker ================================================== "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain =================================================== "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West ==================================================== "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." Oscar Wilde ===================================================== "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang (1844-1912) ====================================================== "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder ======================================================= "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx ======================================================
A Chinese man goes for a job on a building site. "Can you lay bricks? " asks the foreman " No" " Can you plaster?""No""Can you paint?" "No" The foreman is a bit exasperated by this but says " OK you can work on supplies" Three months later the foreman is walking round the site. "Has anyone seen that Chinaman we took on a few months ago?" he asks. Just then the Chinaman jumps out from behind some boxes and shout " Suplise!"
A brand new car is being launched in Portugal, which includes space in the boot for a child. It's called the Renault McCann......
Fool the neighbours into thinking you're giving your wife an orgasm by flushing the downstairs toilet while she's in the shower.
The CEO's of Budweiser, Coors and Guinness walk into a bar and the bartender takes orders. The CEO of Budweiser says "I'll take a Bud Light. It's crisp, refreshing, and doesn't hurt the budget!" The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Coors says "I'll take a Coors light. It's colder, even more refreshing, and won't give you a beer gut!" He then asks the Guinness CEO what he wants and he says "I'll have a water." The others give a confused look and the bartender says "but... why aren't you ordering a beer?" He responds, "well, nobody else did."
Just had my medical and the GP said ‘Dont Eat anything fatty’ I said ‘Like bacon and burgers?’ He said ‘No fatty, just don’t eat anything.....’
