Jack Brown was waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife was giving birth to their first baby. As he paced back and forth, a nurse popped her head around the door. "It's a boy, Mr Brown," she said, "but we think you'd better go and have a cup of coffee because there might be another one." Jack turned a bit pale and left. Some time later, he rang the hospital and was told he was the father of twins. "But," the nurse went on, "we're sure there's another on the way. Ring back again in a little while." Then Jack decided that coffee wasn't strong enough. He ordered a few beers and then he rang the hospital again, only to be told that a third baby had arrived and a fourth was due any moment. With a white face, Jack stumbled over to the bar and ordered a double scotch. Twenty minutes later he tried the phone again, but he was in such a state that he dialed the wrong number and instead got a recorded cricket score. When they picked him up from the floor of the phone booth, the recording was still going on, "The score is 96 all out, and the last one was a duck!"
Asked one of my colleagues if they were doing Movember earlier as I’d be happy to sponsor them. She didn’t reply and for some reason she’s now been in the toilets for 45 minutes, and I’ve just had an email from our HR dept.
A lorry laden with thousands of Thesauruses shed its load on the motorway yesterday. Witnesses were said to be stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, confused, shocked, dazed, bewildered, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, confounded, amazed, perplexed and speechless.
I'm not saying my girlfriend is the biggest in the ballet class. But, she is wearing a three three.....
Headlines from the year 2030? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world "Little India" formerly known as Australia. Jersey executes last remaining Greenie. White minorities still trying to have English recognised as UK 's third language. Children from two-parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged. Gay Marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice. Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: Being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced. Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat. Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think. Britain 's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success. Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch. Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation! Serves them right. Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032. Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. After a ten year £75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labour Party: Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone. Global cooling blamed for the Australian (Little India) citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Victoria India and New South Iraq. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime. Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches. New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons. Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent. English Rugby team make it through to the final of the Three Nations following a 25 year absence, captain Muhammad windsor says he is delighted. Bradford won this years FA cup final beating the Hindu Hornets 4-1.
My kids came back from Trick or Treating with a sofa and 2 armchairs. I was furious, I've told them a million times not to accept suites from strangers
