A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"
I've learnt a life lesson yesterday. Next time I walk into the house and see my wife crying, I'm not going to say, "Is it because of your new haircut?"
Q. How do you change a duck into a popular 70's & 80's singer? A. Put it in a microwave & it's Bill Withers.
I've just taken my grandad to one of those fancy spas where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin. It cost £35 but was still cheaper than a funeral.
Next time someone wants a vegan meal, serve them up a steak and tell them it's quorn. They're always saying "it's just like meat, you can't tell the difference" The proof of the quorn is in the eating.
Apparently Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner. She didn't want to be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks.
