Just went to download an App called 'Shpock', and ended up with a Sean Connery tribute to Leonard Nimoy.
My wife poured coffee all over me at the breakfast table this morning. I don’t enjoy confrontation so I just ignored her. But then at work my secretary poured her piping hot tea on my head! Again, to avoid confrontation I ignored her. The last straw was when I went round to my mum’s place as she was ill, and she poured lemsip straight onto me. Honestly, women take me for a right mug.
Unfortunately my clinically obese parrot just died. It is, however, a great weight off my shoulders .....
Scientists say, that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars. What a load of crap. I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stones in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!
At a Glasgow Pub Quiz, the final question to win £1000 pounds is: "Take That's first Album had a four word title, the first two words were, "Take That, what were the second two?" After a lengthy silence a wee Glaswegian man stands up and says.." was it.. Ya Bastard?"
A Swansea fan, a Cardiff fan and a Wrexham fan were all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Cardiff fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Cardiff fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done. The Wrexham fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again. The Swansea fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You have some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Swansea fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked. "Tie that Cardiff fan to my back...!!!
People often say that the fish had it easy during the biblical flood, as they didn’t need to be on an ark. Little did they know that Noah had a second boat which had several decks just for fish, due to the many different varieties of Carp It was a Multi-Storey Carp Ark
