The Defective Parrot A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird' 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!' The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.' 'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy. 'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.' 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?' 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.' Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?' DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
Choosing a wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them
A guy goes to the council for a job. Interviewer asks 'Are u allergic to anything?' 'Yes, caffeine', he says. 'Are you disabled in anyway?' 'Yes', he replies, 'I was in the army & a bomb exploded near me & blew my testicles off'. Interviewer - 'Ok your hired. Hours are 8 till 3 but you can start at 10 everyday'.Guy asks 'why 10?' Interviewer- 'this is a council job, 1st 2 hours we stand drinking coffee & scratching our bollocks so no point you coming in!
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting syphilis: which is why I came here in the first place
Are you insured for sex? Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes. Sex with your wife - Legal & General Sex on the telephone- Direct Line Sex with your Partner- Standard Life Sex with someone different- Go Compare Sex with a fat bird - More Than Sex On the back seat of a car- Sheila's Wheels Sex with a posh bird- Privileged Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com
If you go into mc donalds to use thier toilet they wont let you unless you buy a meal ! tell them you will after youve been and when you finished tell them you had a mc sh** and lies .
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods... She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. . I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder.. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club..
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?" "What? Are you crazy!?" He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem." "No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..." "At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..." She insistantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us." At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..." At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"
Know any blondes? > > > Subject: Know any blondes? > > A young ventriloquist was touring Sweden and, one night, he was doing a show > in a small fishing town. > With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some standard dumb > blonde jokes. > > Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts > shouting: > > "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can > stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's > hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep > women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from > reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others > think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate > discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically > all in the name of humor!" > > The stunned ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted > and screamed: > > "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."
John had been in Police work for 32 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. 'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.' 'Great', says John, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.' As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.' 'Not a problem' says John. 'After 32 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'. Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.' 'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.' 'More 'n likely be some wild sex, too,' 'Now that's really not a problem' says John, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?' 'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
Black Panties Ann had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Ann said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont .. Their first night there, she undressed as he did There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom .. She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"
This is no joke in fact it could be serious ....Apparently Jennifer Ellison has a problem with a gushing gash...thats what there saying on the telly
A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.
I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess what day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts. "Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born?". I said "****in Yesterday?
am sending this story to you because of your strong interest in good grammar. Sex And Good Grammar For all my grammatically correct friends. On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
A little boy, Johnny, blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something". He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet ! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and **** is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils Extracts from letters written by council tenants: 1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. 2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off. 6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen... 10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy. 11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces. 15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it. 18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.. 20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. 22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning. ----------------------------------------------------------- The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did....... she's 21 and her name's Lucy. ----------------------------------------------------------- Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "*****phile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. ----------------------------------------------------------- The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay. ----------------------------------------------------------- Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre." ----------------------------------------------------------- My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether." ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it. Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.." ----------------------------------------------------------- Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am notunderstanding the question please." ----------------------------------------------------------- On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependents?" Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalis, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back. ----------------------------------------------------------- The queen says she doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at her jubilee celebrations. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going. ----------------------------------------------------------- The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries. ----------------------------------------------------------- Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back
Abdul is a 7 year old Taliban orphan,he has only one leg, he has a bike with only a back wheel,he has to cycle 10 miles every day to school over a pothole riddled road...for the small sum of £5-00 you can buy the DVD its ****in hilarious
