Ways to look busy: 1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed 2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you 3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed 4. Get annoyed at a printer 5. Just generally look annoyed
On her recent visit to Northern Ireland, Diane Abbott was asked what she thought of County Down. She replied "I preferred it when Carol Vorderman was on it"
One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun collection, and your fishing gear, and the boat and lose all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car, and your home brewing equipment..." Tom got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?" He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!" Tom replied, “I wasn't.."
The Police knocked on my door yesterday and asked me to take down my Islamic State flag. Turned out I had black tablecloth hung out on the line and a bird had shat on it!
The hardest day of my life was when I was 6 years old, my father went out to buy a packet of cigarettes and never came back. I had to go a whole f*cking day without a smoke.
