It may be a bit early to bring up the festive season but here is the top 10 worst Christmas Cracker Jokes as compiled by Nuts magazine: 1. What is Santa's favourite pizza? One that's deep pan, crisp and even. 2. On which side do chickens have the most feathers? The outside. 3. What kind of paper likes music? (W)rapping paper. 4. What's white and goes up? A confused snowflake. 5. What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette. 6. Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop? It blew away. 7. What's furry and minty? A polo bear. 8. How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle. 9. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy. 10. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit takes all the credit. Mum, can I please have a cat for Christmas: No. You'll have turkey the same us the rest of us. What's the most popular Christmas wine? 'I don't like Brussels sprouts!' Why do Canadians find turkey so popular at Christmas? Because the weather is warmer there. Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party? He's a fun guy to be with. What happened when the snowman annoyed the snowwoman? She gave him the cold shoulder. What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine? This will sleigh you. What does Santa call a reindeer that don't work? Dinner. What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has NO EL
Paddy takes his son to the zoo. When they get to the elephants the zoo keeper said, this elephant can tell how old you are with one look. Paddys son shouts 'how old am I?' The elephant stamps his foot 6 times. Wow says paddy that's right my boy is 6!! Paddy shouts to the elephant 'how old am I?'. The elephant farts and stamps his foot twice. 'Be Jesus! Says Paddy, he's right, I'm Farty two!! I have just started a relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding but quite challenging, it took me ages to get her husband's voice right Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
A new primary school class were trying very hard to become accustomed to their first days at school. The biggest hurdle they presently faced was that their teacher insisted on.. 'NO baby talk'. You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them. She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 'I went to visit my Nana'. No John! No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. You must start Using 'Big People' words!' She then asked Michael what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo Miss'. She said. 'No! No!, Remember to use 'Big People Words' you took a ride on a TRAIN.. Now what did you ride on Michael? 'A Train Miss' said Michael with a frown 'That's right a Train You must remember to use 'Big People' words'. She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied. That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'And what book did you read Alex?' Alex thought real hard about it for a moment, then puffed out his chest and with great pride, said, 'It was called Winnie the S**t Miss'.
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery, one of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them, her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, one of the husband's was very concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing," said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....'From all of us at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you.'"
My wife said, if I got pissed after the game tonight "we were geography". I said, "dont you mean history?" She said, "don't change the ****ing subject"
SCAM WARNING @ LIDL supermarket. While packing shopping in your car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old East European girls in tight tiny tops. They wash your screen with tits hanging out & then ask for a lift to another shop as payment. On the way they strip and go down on each other, then 1 climbs in front and sucks you off while the other nicks your wallet! I had mine stolen last Tues & Wed, twice on Thurs and again today. Be very careful
GRAND PARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE Good morning . . ...At present we are not at home but, please Leave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp ... If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is. If you need us to stay with the children, press 2 If you want to borrow the car, press 3 If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4 If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5 If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6 If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7 If you want to come to eat here, press 8 If you need money, dial 9 If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theatre, start talking, we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!" If you are not a grandparent you will still love this. If you are it shows how precious the babies are and what we mean to them.
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds) Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady! Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.' They don't say, 'Hurry up.' Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?' When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad. ----------------------------------- A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM! It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog. Send this to other grandparents, almost grandparents, or heck, send it to everyone. It will make their day.
Waiting in Doncaster , to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" .......the old woman says a bit proudly, as it says on the road sign! The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales . At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?” The girl leaned over and said................“Burrrr Gurrrrr King."
Facts About Sex At Any Given Moment: FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now! FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT: 1 elderly person is reading emails. You hang in there, Sunshine ........
Vaseline survey A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?' She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.' 'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?' 'We use it for sex.' The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?' The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.' And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...! Shame on you
Let me see if I understand all this ......... IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR. IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY. IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT. IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED. IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN. IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED. IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT. IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENCE, PENSION CARD, WELFARE, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDISED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE. If I was a refugee, why would I look for work?
Is it now Elitist to be able to speak English coherently; toss in the occasional semi-colon, and to count to TEN without using your fingers ? Well you may be surprised to learn that one of our Great English Writers, namely Chaucer, was very guilty of typos and other grammatical indiscretions. THE YEOMAN'S PORTRAIT A yeman hadde he and servantz namo At that tyme, for hym liste ride so, And he was clad in cote and hood of grene. A sheef of pecok arwes, bright and kene, Under his belt he bar ful thriftily, (wel koude he dresse his takel yemanly: His arwes drouped noght with fetheres lowe) And in his hand he baar a myghty bowe. A not heed hadde he, with a broun visage. Of wodecraft wel koude he al the usage. Upon his arm he baar a gay bracer, And by his syde a swerd and a bokeler, And on that oother syde a gay daggere Harneised wel and sharp as point of spere; A cristopher on his brest of silver sheene. An horn he bar, the bawdryk was of grene; A forster was he, soothly, as I gesse. Now ... how bad is that ???
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "……... and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !" "Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
Old but still good Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more. Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wondâring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. âSave!â I said, âYou cursed mother! Save my data from before!â One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, âAbort, Retry, Ignore?â Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones Iâd never faced before. Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From choose, âAbort, Retry, Ignore?â With my fingers pale and trembling Slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Timidly I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying âAbort, Retry, Ignore?â I tried to catch the chips off-guard â I pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now I am in desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angry winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, âAbort, Retry, Ignore?â There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted, Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lighting bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror over took me, shook me to my core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, âAbort, Retry, Ignore?â To this day I do not know The place to which lost data goes. What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as thereâs C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton Tate and more, You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, âAbort, Retry, Ignore?â ....... ....................... ................
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers...... "What part did you get?"
Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE. CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR? Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!
