A Primary Teacher tells her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?' 'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!' 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?' 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it's Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.’
The generation who claimed the older generation ruined their future by voting Brexit are the generation who 2-years ago were chasing imaginary Pokemon.
As my old dad used to say, “The first rule of theatre is to leave them wanting more”. Great man, terrible anaesthetist.
Have you ever wondered why all our great grandparents had such fond memories of their youth? Well... I'm surprised they remembered anything at all !!! Forget Tums & Tylenol. Forget Aleve & Benedryl. Look at the cool stuff they had back then! A bottle of Bayer's 'Heroin'. Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine.It was also used to treat children suffering with a strong cough. Coca Wine, anyone? Metcalf's Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine on the market. Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work as a medicinal treatment. Mariani Wine. Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of it's time. Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time. He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal. Maltine. Produced by the Maltine Manufacturing Company of New York. It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or after every meal. Children should only take half a glass. A paperweight: A paperweight promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne (Mannheim, Germany). They were proud of being the biggest producers in the world of products containing Quinine and Cocaine. Opium for Asthma: At 40% alcohol plus 3 grams of opium per tablet. It didn't cure you... but you didn't care! Cocaine Tablets (1900). All stage actors, singers, teachers and preachers had to have them for a maximum performance. Great to 'smooth' the voice.Cocaine drops for toothache. Very popular for children in 1885. Not only did they relieve the pain, they made the children very happy! Opium for newborns. I'm sure this would make them sleep well. (not only the Opium, but also the 46% alcohol) Lydia Pinkham was 20% (40 proof) alcohol herbal concoction cure for all feminine problems. Also, some of the cough and cold medicine for kids and adults had a high percentage of alcohol in it. A common remedy for babies cutting new teeth was to rub the gums with whiskey. It's no wonder they were called, "The Good Old Days". From cradle to grave,everyone was STONED!
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, " I once was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog legs,she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."
