Went to see my dyslexic mate today. I caught him using black shoe polish on his penis. I was confused, I'm sure I told him to turn his clock back.
House of ill repute See if you can work this out: There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill. There were four men ... one was walking briskly up the hill; one was inside the brothel; one was walking slowly down the hill and the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill. What were the nationalities of the four men? * The man going up the hill: was rushin * The man in the brothel: him-a-layin * The man walking down the hill: was finish Now wait for it .................................................! !!!!! Ya gonna hate this .............................................. * The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!
Daddy's car in the woods? Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...' At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.' At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.' Mummy fainted! Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
A young lad knocked on the door last night and said "Trick or Treat?" I said "What have you come as?" He said "A werewolf." I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes" He said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead?"
In 1991 three kids were playing in the street in Sydney when they were hit by a train. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die, you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, ...shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be." The 1st kid takes a running leap and shouts "Lawyer" - and so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Bench. The 2nd kid takes his turn and shouts "brain surgeon" - and so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives. The 3rd kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles off the cloud muttering "Stupid clumsy a-s hole." 20 years later, he's playing 1st five for the Wallabies.
To log in to this site I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
SHORT LOVE STORY A man and a woman who had never met before, But who were both married to other people, Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing the compartment, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.....'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,..... let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow!.......................That's a great idea!', he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own ****in' blanket.' After a moment of silence, .........................he farted. The End
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my t*ts."
This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is ATC. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your current height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . .â
A Male Fairy Tale Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marryme?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever afterand rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted womenand hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and datedladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and neverheard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and bangedcheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chipsand beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he wasat work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool ashell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.The end.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?' The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Retirement Sex. Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?' 'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.' 'Pension sex?' 'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!' ________________________________ LOUD SEX A wife went in to see a therapist and said,'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.' 'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.' 'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!' ________________________________ QUIET SEX Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!' ________________________________ CONFOUNDED SEX A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for `medium, and $14,000 for 'large.' The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor. 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.' 'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' ' ________________________________ WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. ________________________________ ELDERLY SEX One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... He could also fly.'
In the last ten years we have lostJohny cashSteve jobsBob HopeJimmy SavilleSo we now have.........No cashNo jobsNo hopeAnd no f****r to fix it!
Why am I Divorced? Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought.... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts and didn't say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me....' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day.. we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there.... On the couch.... Naked.
A penguin walked into the Griffin Bar and walked up to the bar. " has my brother been in tonight?" he asks Jimmy. "Not sure - what does he look like" replies Jimmy
There is the spirit of a giant ape in space, whose sole job it is to keep the planets turning on their axis at the correct speed. Someone wrote a song about him ---- Monkey makes the world go around, the world go around, the world go around, Monkey makes the .......... (sung to the song from Cabaret)
