I bought a U2 sat nav last week, what a load of rubbish. The streets have no names, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for........
A parachutist is taking part in a charity free fall parachute jump ,he jumps out and is plummeting towards the ground pulls his main chute nothing ! Panicking pulls his reserve, nothing , looking around him he sees a guy rocketing skywards passed him , his clothes are smoking and he's all burnt and scorched ,the parachutist shouts to him " oi mate do you know anything about parachutes ?" The guy replies " no mate, do you know anything about gas cookers ?"
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." �The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
A ginger man finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out. "Ah, hell," says the genie, "What do you want?" The ginger says "I want a huge mansion with a thousand rooms and a hundred floors, all made of pure gold" The genie looks at him and says "don"t be an idiot, do you have any idea how much gold that would take? that"s impossible. pick something else." So the ginger says "I want everyone to stop taking the piss out of my hair colour" The genie says "so this mansion, you want en suite bathrooms?"
