paddy buys a chainsaw the shop guy tells him its guarenteed to cut down 40 trees an hour. Paddy sets of and gets to work after an hour hes only cut 20 trees down and storms back into the shop and shouts ive only managed to cut 20 trees down in an hour its crap !! the shop guy takes the chainsaw off him looks at it then starts it up. Paddy shouts whats that fkin noise ?? An old woman walks into a bank with a carrier bag full of money and the bank manager asks her why she is carrying so much cash ? well she says im 93 years old and im a proffesional gambler and i want to put it in your bank ! the manager is amazed and says you must be joking ? well she says i bet you all my cash that your balls are square ! the bank manager says dont be daft thier round ! well i bet you my £50k cash thier square ! ok then he says you got a bet. The old woman says right then ill be here tomorrow at 1pm with my barister to witness the bet is all above board ok ! yes says the banker that night he asks his wife my balls are round arent they ? yes dear she says .So 1pm next day the old lady comes in with her barrister and says you will have to let me hold youre balls in my hands ! ok he says and she cups them in both hands with that he asks her why is youre barrister crying ? Well she says i bet him £100k a couple of days ago that i would be holding my bank managers balls in my hands at 1pm today !
I couldn't believe it when all 6 of my balls came out last night! I knew that holiday to Chernobyl was a bad idea.
My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!" Guess who had to put the batteries in.
How the EU works Pythagorean theorem: 24 words. Lord's prayer: 66 words. Archimedes' Principle: 67 words. 10 Commandments: 179 words. Gettysburg address: 286 words. US Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words. US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: 7,818 words. EU regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words. 'Nuff said.
2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. "R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already".
just putting joke thread back up top where it belongs .The advantage of being clever is that you can pretend to be dumb. The opposite is more difficult.
I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker. Can't wait to see my new cock.
Julie Andrews Turns 70 , To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favourite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.. Here are the lyrics she used: If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!! Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favourite things. Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favourite things. When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favourite things, And then I don't feel so bad. Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favourite things... Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favourite things. When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.
A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog
