If you kill yourself , it's called suicide . If you kill someone , it's called homicide. If you kill thousands , it's called genocide . If you kill the King , it's called regicide . If you kill your brother , it's called fratricide . And , if you have 2 Premier League teams , and neither have won the League for over 20 years , it's called Merseyside .
Yesterday a severe stutterer was sent to prison for drink driving. He was given six months but the police don't think he will finish his sentence.
At an English university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to a student, "what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," replied the diligent student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of another student. "Elation," she said. "And you, sir," he said to an American student, "what about the opposite of woe?" The Yank replied, "Sir, I believe that would be "giddy up"."
Women are very strange creatures. They love lingerie and they love car boot sales. Yet when I buy my wife some lingerie from the car boot sale for her birthday I suddenly turn into a useless, thoughtless b*stard.
My pregnant wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked "Does it make my butt look big?" I texted back "Noo!" My phone autocorrect my response to "Moo!" Please send help!
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school. One of the many questions on human anatomy asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS" into the name of "an important human body part which is most useful when erect." Those who answered "spine" are now doctors The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
A NEWLYWED couple move into their new house.One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says: “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?” The husband says: “What do I look like, Mr Plumber?” A few days go by, he comes home from work and his wife says: “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” The husband says: “What do I look like, Mr Kwik Fit?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife says: “Honey, the roof’s leaking. Can you please fix it?” He says: “What do I look like, Tommy Walsh?” The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks what happened. His wife says: “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them.” “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. She replies: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. “What do I look like,” she says, “Mary Berry?”
What do you call a woman who can spread her legs from one side of a tennis court to the other? Annette.
I went to a restaurant and ordered "soup of the day" for starters. The waiter brought the soup .Five minutes later, I called the waiter and said, "I can't eat this!" The waiter said, "Sir, our chef has cooked the same soup, to the same recipe for the last 12 years and nobody has ever complained until now, why can't you eat it?" I said, "because you didn't bring me a spoon, you daft twat!"
