I imagine being a seagull is pretty rad because it’s basically just endless fries and permission to scream whenever you want.
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing!" The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said, "Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned "Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well they always search for the black box first?"
I bought a deodorant stick today. The instructions said, “Remove cap and push up bottom.” I can barely walk but when I fart the room does smell lovely.
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he handed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine” I said “are you a vet?” He replied “vet?.. I’m ****ing soaking
Wouldn't the song "Love really hurts without you" by Billy Ocean be a great choice for a Vaseline advert.
Real Madrid have put in a bid for Mo Salah. If he declines, Sergio Ramos has offered to try and twist his other arm.
Two deaf blokes were out one evening and decided to call into a pub for a pint. One said, by means of signing, “You sit down, I’ll get these.” “Two pints best bitter please” he said to the bartender, signing and talking in that inimitable way that the deaf have. “That’ll be eight pounds please.” “Eight ****in’ quid for two pints!!! Why?” “We’ve got music on.” “Music! We’re deaf. What sort of music is it anyway? Is it rock ‘n’ roll?” “No.” “Is it soul?” “No.” “Is it R ‘n’ B?” “No.” “Well what is it?” “It’s country and western.” At that he takes the beers over to his mate and tells him “Eight ****in’ quid for two pints.” “Whhaaaat? Why?” “They’ve got music on.” “Music!! We’re deaf fer crissake! What sort of music is it anyway, is it rock ‘n’ roll?” “No.” “Well is it soul?” “No.” “Well is it R ‘n’ B?” “No.” “Well what is it then?” “It’s some c*nt from Preston . . . .
We were that poor when I was a kid, my parents used to get my school clothes from the Army surplus shop. Nothing wrong with that you might say. But do you realise how badly bullied you get going school dressed as a Japanese sniper.
