The police have been told to be aware of Fulham fans bringing flares to Wembley for the Play Off Final Apparently that's what they wore last time they were there!
Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it...... The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition...... He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years...... 'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline..... That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there..... Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family..... 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes..... "No problem"... He says.. And in they go.... Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes..... In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes..... They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word..... As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation..... He leans over and kisses Sandra..... No one says a word..... He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word..... So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents...... His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word..... He looks at her mum. She's got a great body too..... Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a big orgasm, an Joe sits down.... His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and Mum is beaming from ear to ear. But still.....Total silence..... All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain..... Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket..... Suddenly the father shouts. I'll do the ****in’ dishes.....!!
The Queen reveals her wedding gift to Harry and Meghan will be something small and not too flashy that’s been in the family for years, or as she likes to call it - Papua New Guinea.
A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?" "No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.
My Mum always used to say to me, "Always go for ugly women, that way you know they'll always be faithful." Clearly she's never f*cking watched the Jeremy Kyle show.
Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please, I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
