An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunningly, gorgeous daughters who positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, 'They're looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.' The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. 'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.' The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. 'Well, ‘the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell....overweight.' The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, ‘She’s perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry.' So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. 'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her.' .................................................................................... As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?". ................................................................ A defence lawter was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
God was missing for six days & eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him, resting on the 7th day. He inquired, "Where have you been?" God smiled deeply and proudly & pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused." God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "That's Wales , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and valleys. The people from Wales are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things" Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "Right next to Wales is England... wait till you see the Twats I put there."
My scouser cousin"s girlfriend had a baby today. They"re so proud of him. He"s the only one in the family who"s been inside for less than nine months.
Year 2 class in Bradford comes in from playtime. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?" Sarah says, "I played in the sand box." The teacher says, "That"s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write "sand" correctly, I"ll give you a chocolate Hobnob." She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob. The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime.Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box." The teacher says, "Good. If you write "box" correctly on the blackboard, I"ll give you a chocolate Hobnob."Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime. He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me." The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write "blatant racial discrimination" I"ll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
