JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

A husband went to the police station to report that his wife was missing...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. About five-feet four.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat
.
Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Never really noticed, brown or green.

Sergeant: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Usually a skirt or slacks and a blouse or polo top. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She took my sports coupe.

Sergeant: What kind of sports coupe was it?

Husband: Mercedes-Benz CL65 AMG 7G-Tronic finished In Magnetite Black Metallic with Black Soft-Leather Electrically Adjustable and Heated AMG Front Sport Seats with Memory; Brushed Aluminium trim with Piano Black Cappings; Unmarked 19" AMG Multispoke Alloy Wheels; Tyre Pressure Monitoring; Panoramic Glass Electric Tilt/Slide Sunroof; COMAND Online with HDD Wide Screen Satellite Navigation; Bluetooth Telephone Connectivity; Multi-Media Interface for MP3, Ipod etc; Superb Sound System With DAB and Harman-Kardon Sound Upgrade; Leather Trimmed AMG Multi-Function SteeringWheel with Paddle Shift; Parktronic Front and Rear Parking Sensors; Parking Assist; Attention Assist; Speed Limit Assist; Electrically adjustable, heated door Mirrors with Powerfold; Electrically Adjustable Steering Column; Bi-Xenon Headlights with Powerwash and Auto Activation; LED Daytime Running Lights; Cruise Control; Rear Privacy Glass; AMG Carpet Overmats...

At this point the husband starts choking up.....

Sergeant: Don’t worry, mate. We’ll find your car...
............................................................................


A Man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."

"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.

"Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceilingfan."

 

.Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue. A detective goes into the coroner's office to findout the cause of death.

The coroner points to the first dead man. "This is Chas", he says. "He died after winning $2 million on the lottery".

He then moves onto the second smiling corpse. "This is Jimmy" the coroner says with a grin. "He died having vigorous sex with Trudy Smith".

Finally he moves onto the last smiling corpse. "This is Paddy", says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning".

"Then why in the hell was he smiling"? asked the detective

"Oh", says the coroner. "Our guess is - he thought he was having his picture taken".
........................................ :giggler:


Struggling to make ends meet on a first year salary, the new pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"

"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"

"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"

"I did," replied his wife," but then he said, 'Your bum does not look big in this and it looks fabulous from back here, too!'"
........................................................................ :groan:


I went to a club with my mate last night and we had far too much to drink.

My mate and I had to help each other stagger across the dance floor to get to the bar for some more drinks.

When we staggered back to our seats the MC came over and presented us with an award for best gay dancers of the night.

I aint going there again..
............................................ :groan::groan:


Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.

” On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”

“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful How did you do it? ”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” says the judge.

Then he turns to the second guy. “And how did you do?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“Wow!” says the judge. “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”

“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says

“I drew two circles like this: o O.

I then pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your assehole before prison ..............