Mens handy hints No 1. If your girlfriend catches you looking at another woman, turn to her and say, "I’m glad you don’t dress like that."
The Irish government has advised local councils to save money on lollipop men and women by moving all the schools over to the other side of the road......
Returning home a day early from an out-of-town business trip, a man caught a taxi from the airport shortly after midnight. On the cab journey, he confided to the driver that he thought his wife was having an affair. As they pulled up outside his house, the businessman asked the driver: “Would you come inside with me and be a witness?” The driver agreed, and they both crept into the bedroom. The man then turned on the lights, pulled the blanket back and, sure enough, his wife was naked in bed with another man. In a jealous rage, the businessman pulled out a gun and threatened to shoot his wife’s lover. “Don’t do it,” she pleaded. “This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the new car I bought you for your birthday? Who do you think paid for our new boat? Who do you think paid for the deposit on this house? He did!” His mind in turmoil, the husband looked over at the cab driver and asked: “What would you do in a case like this?” The cabbie said: “I think I’d cover him up before he catches cold.”
Winston meets Chalky dressed to the nines one morning. Sunday best, bling, big cigar. The whole nine yards. 'Mon!' Exclaims Winston. 'Whatchoo doin' swaggerin' around aaaal dressed up like dis?' 'I's been to see Docta,' Beamed Chalky. 'Docta say, I is Im-po-tant'.
Cigarettes and alcohol have warning labels on them because they are addictive, dangerous and destroy lives. And yet women are just allowed to roam about freely!
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said, "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad," said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still. So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said, "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said, "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
THE AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other... So, they end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!" THE CREATION OF HUMANS A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, " Mom , how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed frommonkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his." Some years ago it was my 49th birthday, & I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say "Happy Birthday," & probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday". I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember". The children came in to breakfast & didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low & despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Betty said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better…..someone had remembered! I worked until noon. Then, Betty knocked on my door & said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside & it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you & me". I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go". We went to lunch. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis & enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment". After arriving at her apartment, she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable". "Sure," I excitedly replied - her signals were obvious. She went into the bedroom & in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends. They were all singing "Happy Birthday"...................... And there I sat, on the couch... Naked.
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 'She just died and left me everything....
Never let footballers speak "My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. " David Beckham "I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." Mark Viduka "Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had." David Beckham "If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." Neville Southall "I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." Paul Gascoigne "I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well." Alan Shearer "I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona " Mark Draper "You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." Peter Shilton "I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester " Stan Collymore "I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham .. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing." Ade Akinbiyi "Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match." Ian Wright "I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." Ugo Ehiogu " Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough." Jonathan Woodgate "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." Stuart Pearce "I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." Lee Hendrie "I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." Ian Rush " Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today." Steve Lomas "I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." Barry Venison "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet." David Beckham "The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European." Phil Neville "All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." Mitchell Thomas "One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." Alan Shearer "I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." Johnny Giles "Sometimes in football you have to score goals." Thierry Henry
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