A man goes to confession after a 16 year absence. As he sits in the booth he looks around and says to the priest "confession is different these days father, I don't remember a leather chair, bottles of whisky, guiness on tap and gay porn mags being in here before". The priest replies "that's because you're on my ****ing side!!!"
Alien couple down to earth and go to a swingers party. They swap partners and go to their respective bedrooms. The alien man takes his clothes off revealing a one inch cock. The woman says "I'm not impressed". The alien then twists his right ear and his cock grows to 10 inches. "Now I am impressed" says the woman. The alien then twists his left ear and his cock becomes 2 inches thick and he gives the woman the best seeing to she has ever had. She meets up with her husband later and asks "how was it for you?" Her hubby said "****ing ****e, all she kept doing was twist my ****ing ears!"
2 Irishmen are walking home after a night out & pass the bus station. "Let's steal a bus" says Mick, not wanting to walk. Paddy offers to keep watch. 20 minutes later he looks in to see Mick flapping. "I can't find a number 7", "you ****ing idiot" says Paddy, "just take the number 9 and we'll walk from the roundabout".
A blonde hires a tennis instructor. After several lessons it's clear she's not very good at the game. The instructor suggests "try holding the racket like you hold your partner's penis" Straight away the blonde is much better, hitting the balls with force and precision. Impressed the instructor then goes on to say "very good, now try taking the racket out of your mouth".
