From a recent (and most definitely real) medical text book:
Sporting injuries, illnesses and conditions.
Newcastle United (Football club, 1892-present.)
- Jon Dahl Tomasson syndrome. (JDTS) – This condition has been, for the last ten years, somewhat of a frequent occurrence. Named after the striker, Jon Dahl Tomasson, it came to fame in the mid 1990s.
Symptoms:
Following good spells at former clubs, often including many goals, you may be transferred to Newcastle, and suddenly loose all football skills which have made you a millionaire.
Furthermore, you may find, once you have left Newcastle, you may win many awards, such as Golden Boots and similar.
History:
Following JDT’s signature, Newcastle fans expected the kind of player who would later establish themselves in AC Milan and Feyernood teams. However, for all his hard work, the man could not hit a barn door with a machine gun. For this reason, the syndrome was named after him. Initially attributed to nightlife, weather and water (according to the libellous claims of certain Sunderland fans), Michael Owen disproved this theory, by flying in on his personal helicopter every day and being, to be blunt, ****.
- He’ll Do Disease (commonly known as Marcelino’s Disease, or, more recently, Leon Best Disease) – Usually chairmen suffer this, although Sam Allardyce and Ruud Gullit are also prominent sufferers.
Symptoms:
The buying of players that everyone else can see are quite clearly a waste of space. Often, they are compromise signings (e.g. Leon Best rather than Jemaine Beckford or Victor Moses), who turn out to be dreadful.
History:
Every manager and chairman have it a little, but most can control it to occasional terrible signings, such as Sir Bobby Robson buying Albert Luque and Hugo Viana. Commonly known as Marcelino’s Disease, it is known as such due to the signing of Elena Marcelino, a player who, as any fan will attest, served no purpose other than to make Carl Cort look good in training. It was thought to be extinct, until the signings of Leon Best and Fitz Hall in January 2010, but a treatment is now available – ParaceteRoutledge, which is not to be confused with Pancratitis (see below).
- Pancratitis – This condition is where you arrive at Newcastle, commonly as a free agent, and perform very well for your first 90 minutes or so of first team action, following which you become about as useful as a pig in the Islamic Republic of Iran.
Symptoms:
Good debuts, followed by wonder goal, which is in turn replaced by terrible performances for the rest of your Newcastle career.
History:
A recent evolution of bacterium, affecting French wingers especially. It is unknown to modern medicine how Laurent Robert and David Ginola avoided infectation, but Newcastle fans were very pleased indeed that they avoided it.
KEY PROFILE
Chris Hughton: Despite the onset of Pancratitis in his time as Newcastle manager, he has all but eliminated JDT Syndrome, thanks to the expiring contracts of Michael Owen and Mark Viduka (who had a special, end of career version, in which you just become awful following your transfer). Unfortunately, Mike Ashley decided that Leon Best is as good as Victor Moses, and so Chris Hughton was powerless to stop He’ll Do Disease spreading.
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I just thought I’d share my expertise with you guys.
, who cares if I play left back. Tiote, the all mighty one, I beg you to let me in your back pocket. 
