i made this up on my night shift,like to share it with you all.a joke.

ok let's turn this thread into the thread of terrible jokes.

my favourite -

An Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scotsman all walk into a bar.
The Englishman says to the other 2 - "Is this some kind of a joke?"

 

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

Pokemon....

 

which countries capital city has the most virgins?
thailand.
because they bangkok (ban cock) lol lol lol lol lol

 

What do you call a clinic for people who suffer with depression?

Les Miserables!

 

Bit of a long winded one, but:

It's the end of the 2012 season and Liverpool have played fantastically. All players have been on top form, Carroll and Suarez have been banging in the goals for fun, five youth players have come through the senior team and become full internationals, and Liverpool have scored a record breaking 120 goals. However, Man Utd have been that little bit more impressive, and have won the Premier League title from Liverpool by a single point.

Kenny Dalglish doesn't know how his team can have played so well and still failed to win the league, and he resolved to find out what United's secret is. He sneaks into Carrington one night and hides near the training pitches to spy on their pre season training. He watches all their players doing exactly the same drills as Liverpool, and looking no better than his team. Finally, he has had enough and emerges from his hiding place to confront SAF:

KD: "Look Alex, this is killing me. What's your secret? How come your players are no better than mine but still beat us to the title last season?"
AF: "We've been working on a new technique known as footballing intelligence. By teaching our players to think laterally, they perform better on the pitch"
KD: "What?"
AF: "Look, I'll show you. Valencia, come over here!"
AV: "What's up boss"
AF: "Ok, answer this question: He's your father's son, but he's not your brother - who is he?"
AV: "It's me boss"
AF: "Good lad, back to training"

Dalglish gives his some thought and resolves to see how intelligent his players are. So at Liverpool's next training session he asks the same question to Andy Carroll. Carroll thinks about it for a while, and asks for some time to work out the answer.

At the end of the session, Carroll still can't work it out. However, knowing how intelligent Luis Suarez is, he asks him the same question. Suarez things for a moment and replies "If he's my father's son, but he's not my brother, it must be me". Carroll suddenly works it out and runs up to Kenny Dalglish:

AC: "I've got it boss! It's Luis Suarez"
...
...
...
...
...
KD: "No you daft Geordie prick, it's Antonio Valencia".

 

Here's one.
You'll like this.
Wayne Rooney is on international duty and he wants to extend the size of his penis.So he asks Steven Gerrard.Stevie says when you go home,whack it off the bannister.So Shrek goes home and Coleen is in bed and he whacks his penis off the bannister,and Coleen shouts out ''Is that you Stevie''.

 

This joke is for all Man United fans who are deciding to buy next seasons away kit.
Don't bother.
Here's a solution.
Just strap an inflatable penis to your forehead and the whole world will know who you support.

Whats the difference between a Man United fan and a vibrator.
A Man United fan is a real dick.

Michael Barrymore wanted to play up front for Man United,he was willing to pay £1 million,He wanted 10 pricks behind him and 73,000 arseholes jumping up and down.

How many Man United fans does it take to stop a moving bus.
Not enough.
What do you call a pregnant Man United fan.
A dope carrier.
What do you do after shooting a Man United fan.
Stop and reload.
A Liverpool fan used to for the fun of it,speed in his car and swerve pretending to hit Man United fans.He's out driving and he see's a priest and he asks the priest where are you going father.The priest says I'm going to St Josephs.The Liverpool fan says jump in father,I'll drop you off.Whilst the Liverpool fan is driving he spots a Man United fan,and says to himself I'm going to scare the **** out of that glory hunting ****.So he speeds and swerves and realises he has a priest in the back when he hears a thud.The Liverpool fan says sorry father I almost hit that Man United fan,the priest said,Its okay son,I hit the bastard with the door.

 

Surely when Coleen hears a penis whack on her bannister her first thought is going to be "It must be John Terry again"? After all, he's banged his cock on so many WAG bannisters he must have his own theme tune by now...

 

tut tut tut

 

the house off torres

 

I found out I'm both gay and dyslexic - I think I'm still in daniel!

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic athiest insomniac?
He was up all night debating on whether there was a dog.
Someone once wrote a song for dyslexic lesbians.
Its called.
Is this the way to ram a dildo.