Hilarious joke!!

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First Is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him.



To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a Spade.



Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.



Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.



He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.



He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.



He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.



By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lion’s cage because lions eat anything.



Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"



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The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees!"

 

chortle!

I snook a few tags in, I'll rep you if you can guess which ones are mine!

 

Politically incorrect jokes

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer is Africa.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

You can say lots of bad things about ****philes but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said, "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.

 

Good one.

 

class

 

Tag: Tash bleaches his poohole........

 

have some rep, Sir

 

A long one...

A teacher comes into class on Monday morning after having a great weekend, such a good weekend in fact that she decides to offer the kids a treat:

"Kids, I'm going to ask you a question, whoever gets the right answer first can have Tuesday off school!"

At this all the children sit bolt upright in their seats and stare eagerly towards the young woman at the front of the class.

"OK, here goes....Can anyone tell me what the square root of 81 is?"

Immediately a young Jewish boy sitting at the front of the class throws his hand into the air: "Please Miss, the answer is 9!"

"Fantastic" answers the teacher, "you can have tomorrow off"

"No, Miss." Replies the boy, "I wish to make my Father proud, therefore I will be here early as usual."

The teacher beams down at the young boy, "Very well, my next question...Can anyone tell me what photosynthesis is?"

Once again, another young Jewish boy sitting at the front of the class waves his hand in the air "Please Miss, the answer is the process in which a plant creates it's own energy"

"Tremendous" croons the teacher, "you can have Tomorrow off"

Once again, the small boy declines this offer, stating that he'll be in school EXTRA early the next morning.

Suddenly, from the back of the class, a young geordie lad exclaims "Here man, I ****ing hate jews!"

Immediately the teacher jumps to her feet..."WHO SAID THAT?" she screamed...

The geordie stood up, grabbed his bag and said: "Adolph Hitler, 1939, I'll see you on Wednesday, Miss!"

 

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

-

Thats brilliant!

 

And what happened to the hilarious joke?

 

And your contribution to this thread is?...

 

Suddenly, from the back of the class, a young geordie lad exclaims "Here man, I ****ing hate jews!"

Immediately the teacher jumps to her feet..."WHO SAID THAT?" she screamed...

The geordie stood up, grabbed his bag and said: "Adolph Hitler, 1939, I'll see you on Wednesday, Miss!"

Brilliant!

 

i have one....

my girlfriend was stressed the other day, so i said to her "dont get stressed actually i know something which will cheer you up, did you know stressed backwards is desserts"

she looked at me and said "is that you being a prick"
i replied "no why?"
"your saying am stressed and telling me stressed backwards is desserts, hinting that i should go and get some desserts to cheer myself up..am i not fat enough for you allready, however i know something that will cheer me up"

3 days later will still havent had sex.

 

Contribution?

I read this thread hoping to read a hilarious joke... it wasn't forthcoming but I am satisfied from getting a laugh from your bullshit moralising yet again.

Hope you enjoyed the rep I sent you...

 

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother.'

 

Ok, calm down dearest x

 

A man goes to a doctor

''doc , every time I have sex doggie style my back aches''.

Doc thinks for a second and replies '' That's easy, try a different position!!''

Man says, ''I would but the dog keeps licking my mouth''

Boom boom

 

hahahaha

 

Woman walks into a green grocers with a couple of kids, unfortunately she's got a face like a bad bee keeper and weighs about 20 stone.

The grocer says " Excuse me madam, are your children twins ?"

The woman replys " No..Little Andrew is 7 and Molly is 13, why do you ask "

Grocer " I can't believe anyone would shag you twice "