Man rings 999 and says i think my wife is dead How do you know asks the operator Well although the sex is the same the ironing is building up
I got knocked out by the girlfriends sister yesterday. What sort of a sick bitch puts chloroform on their dirty knickers.
kiwi..you are a f-ing legend son with some of them..I'm knicking 1 a day to post on my facebook page....!!! keep em coming!! last 2 had me in stitches......!
I bought some sexy crotchless knickers in Ann Summers today. "A surprise for the wife?" asked the cashier. "Maybe" I replied, "It all depends on whether she catches me wearing them or not
With hindsight i should have posted my facebook status as "I have blown the head gasket on my 1999 ford" Rather than "I,ve just ****ed a 13 year old escort"
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex bill woke up finding a really ugly woman next to him. Thats when he realised he had made it home safely.
A lesbian collapsed and died today after licking 27 fannys in a 2 hour charity lickathon. Doctors think she may have overdosed on crack.
The Four Cats Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured Exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff." CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet....... Ate the cookies........ Drank the milk..... Sh*t on the paper........ Screwed the other three cats........ Claimed he injured his back while doing so. Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........ Put in for Workers Compensation....................and Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............. AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!
Dude was having a full blown threesome with these two dirty bitches at work. The blonde one was taking it up the arse while the black one was licking and slurping on his balls. Then the boss walked in. Needless to say he lost his job at the kennels.
I just got sacked from my job with Lifeline Someone called Mohammad Mutsafa phoned and said, "I can't take the discrimination anymore so I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come". All I said was, "Remain calm and stay on the line" . .. .
WORLD WAR III - IN THE PLANNING STAGES Former President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?' Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?' Cheney says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.' The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?' Cheney turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims.
Did you hear about the psychic dwarf that escaped from prison? Police are looking for a small, medium at large. ---------- At twickenham today, the touring All Blacks played a gay rugby XV. The score finished 0-0, but there was seven tries and one conversion.
A Pikey comes home to find his teenage daughter masturbating with a cucumber. "That's ****ing disgusting", he says, "I'm supposed to be eating that tonight and now it's going to taste of cucumber!" Sorry.
Not strictly a joke but I found it funny; Alex Ferguson drops Howard Webb for crucial derby match Alex Ferguson has controversially dropped talismanic referee Howard Webb from Man Utd’s starting 12 for the crucial Premier League clash with Man City, and will instead hand a start to Andre Marriner. Early reports indicated that crowd favourite Webb would line up for the league leaders, but news has now surfaced that Ferguson is to take a gamble on Marriner. Marriner, who has only made 3 starts for Man Utd this season, is a surprise selection by Ferguson, given Webb’s ability to pull highly contentious decisions out of the bag in big matches. “Webby has put in some great performances for us in the past, but I feel the expectation levels of supporters could be too much for him on this occasion,” revealed Ferguson. “I might put him on the bench as an impact referee in case we need one of their players sending off or a penalty deep into stoppage time.” Manchester Derby The news of Marriner’s inclusion has left United fans miffed given Ferguson’s criticism of his performance in a 2-0 defeat to Liverpool in 2009. “It doesn’t make any sense not to include Webbo,” said avid fan John Henderson, who has lived in Plymouth all his life and whose only connection with Manchester is that he once voted for Bez when he was on Celebrity Big Brother. “In games like this you want your best performers on the pitch, and Webbsio pulling the strings is as good as going into the game with a two-nil lead.” “I hope that Ferguson has seen something in Marriner in training that suggests he can rise to the occasion.” “If City have still got eleven men on the pitch at half-time then I’ll be singing Webbsyio’s name.” “I’ll be singing it at the TV, but rest assured that the wife will be left in no doubt about how angry I am.”
Very good PD! Although I think Lee Mason is not out of the reckoning elsewhere on ManUre's run-in!...
I was in the Epping pub last night and saw two "girls of size" (as Political Correctness now requires me to say) by the bar. They both spoke with a very strong brogue accent, and making my usual assumptions about their origins, I said, "Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?" One of them screamed at me, "It's WALES you f***ing idiot!" So I immediately apologised and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?" I don't remember too much after that!
1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years Interesting Year 1981 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe. 3. Australia lost the Ashes. 4. The Pope died. Interesting Year 2005 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe. 3. Australia lost the Ashes. 4. The Pope died. Lesson to be learned: The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.
