After a night out, Ralph slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep... He awoke before the Pearly Gates... St Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph"... Ralph was stunned, "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back"... St Peter said, "Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork though- but sure. Ok You've got two alternatives, you can go back as a fish or as a hen"... Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence... Ralph replied, "Okay, then I choose to be a hen"... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground... Shortly after a rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh...? How's your first day here"? "Not bad" replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. It’s like I'm gonna explode"... "You're ovulating" explained the rooster... "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before"...? "Never" said Ralph... "Well, just cluck twice and then push"... Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg... Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming... As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're sh*tting the bed"...
A man was in a long line at his local Sainsbury’s store. As he got to the check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5." The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the check out, he told the girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the check out for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5." A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the check out he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said... "Mop and bucket to Checkout 5
A old man walks into a McDonalds He is bent over and shuffling slowly.... He approaches the counter with great difficulty and orders an ice cream sundae..... The cashier asks, "Crushed nuts".....? The old man replies, "No arthritis"....!!!
Erik ten Hag walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms, could you please cash this cheque for me?" Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?" Ten Hag: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Erik ten Hag, Manager of Manchester United”. Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Ten Hag: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Hag but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Ten Hag: "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque." Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque." "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?" Erik stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue." Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Ten Hag?”
Just had a copper knock on the door saying that he was looking for a man with one eye. I said “Try using both, you'll probably find him quicker...”
"A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed."
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, She asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor dear was several sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her eccentric behavior, and some of them even joined in the fun. One day Ethel was speeding along one of the corridors when a man stepped out of one of the doorways with his arm outstretched: “Stop!” he said firmly. “Have you got a license for that thing?” Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, which she handed to him with a big smile. “OK,” he said, and off she went again. Taking the corner by the TV lounge on one wheel as usual, she found another man standing in the corridor in front of her. “Stop!” he said firmly, “Have you got a valid registration for that vehicle, madam?” Ethel dug into her handbag again and came up with a well-used beermat, which she presented for inspection. Whereupon she was sent on her way once more. Heading down the last corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. He was stark naked, and holding a sizable erection in one hand. “Oh, no,” cried Ethel, “Not the breathalyzer again!”
