I've just received a severe weather warning. There's a shower of **** coming across from France today.
Two Knights are standing at the Round Table admiring it. One says to the other, "That's a fine table, beautifully made and perfectly round, Who made it?" "Sir Cumferance" replied the 2nd Knight.....
I called my wife on her carphone on the M11 to tell her about a traffic report I'd just heard on the radio warning motorists that a crazy idiot was driving the wrong way up that very motorway. 'Not just one crazy idiot", she replied,"there's bleeding hundreds of them!"
My son came back from a school trip to a museum yesterday. He told me they had a dinosaur fossil that the curator said was two hundred million and fourteen years old. I asked how they were able to date something that accurately. Apparently, when the curator took up his post fourteen years ago he'd been told that the fossil was two hundred million years old.
A man wakes up from surgery after being involved in a car accident and finds the doctor standing over his hospital bed. Doctor: I've got some good news and some bad news; which would you like to hear first? Patient: Gimme the bad news first, Doc, better to get it outta the way. Doctor: I'm extremely sorry, but we had to amputate both of your feet. Patient: Jesus Christ! What's the good news? Doctor: The chap in the bed opposite wants to buy your slippers.
A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex." Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?" "Because their kid is standing on the balcony too."
My wife was trying to be sexy last night. She lay on the bed licking a lollypop and then started slowly sliding it in and out of her pussy. I said, "steady love, you'll need that to see the kids across the road in the morning."
The wife walked in last night, took her bra off and with a cheeky wink said, "suck my titties". "**** off!" I said, "They've been on the floor."
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and asks for the octopus. The waiter says; 'Ok, but it takes 8 hours to cook'. When the man asks; 'Why does it take so long'. The waiter replies; 'because it keeps turning the gas off!!..
My wife calls my penis "The Firework." Not because it lights up her evening, but because she likes to keep it at arms length since it went off in her face that one time.
Roy hodgson has already been offered a new job Advising the UK government on how to get out of Europe quickly
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I took a girl out the other night. When she ordered the most expensive stuff on the menu, I thought,"you money grabbing tart!" So I said,"does your mother feed you this well at home?" She replied,"no, but my mum's not expecting a blow job later...." I said,"good point, enjoy your meal."
A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Belfast and sees card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk. The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her files and replies."Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist." "You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions.. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination." "There's a starting annual salary of £85,000,.....................but you're going to have to go to Cork .." "Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks. "No," replied the assistant, "That's where the end of the queue is."..
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!". She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "Id like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise? The second blonde replies, " They didnt last year."
The wife's off to the hairdressers. "What cut would make me look more attractive?" She queried. I thought for a second. "How about a power cut?
