Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him "Where am i?" The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't fool me, I know you're in that feckin basket!"
I was in an Inuit restaurant last night and I asked the waiter what was on the menu… He said I could have whale meat, whale meat, whale meat or the Vera Lynn. I said, “what’s the Vera Lynn?” He said, “Whale meat again”
A man furiously approaches his neighbour and shouts, 'Where is your Wife?' 'Why?' the neighbour replies ,'What did Anna do?' She tricked my Wife into investing in a fake farm for snakes!' he yelled. 'Anna conned her?' 'No, Burmese pythons...'
Three desperately ill men go to their doctor seeking help. One is an alcoholic, one is a chain smoker and the other is gay. The doctor tells the men that if they indulge in any of their bad habits again they will die. The three men leave. The alcoholic sees a pub and hears it's loud music and can't resist. He orders a shot of whisky, drinks it, and suddenly drops down dead. The other two walk outside realising how serious this is. The chain smoker sees a half cigarette on the ground still burning, so the gay lad says to the chain smoker "If you bend over to pick that up, were both dead."
This bloke in the pub said to me, "F*ck me, that was a rough old bitch you were with last night, not a patch on the women I normally see you with, what on Earth ever possessed to take her out? " "I had to, " I replied, "it was our wedding anniversary.
