The WashingtonPost has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: 1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted,adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent. 6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. 7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes." "How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?" "Rustling," answered the bartender.
The doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act: The man decided, what the hell, I'll try it. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realised his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied. "What?" He heard. "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied. "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied. "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. If you keep this up you might live forever! You have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60-year-old responded "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60-year-old responded "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer". The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60-year-old responded again "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said "You mean to tell me you are 60years old and both your father and your grandfather are still alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60-year-old said "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that" said the patient "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he's getting married again". The doctor said "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said "Did I say he wanted to?"
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself. So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says ' wow it wasn't that creased in the shop'
Married Six Times please log in to view this image A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 6 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married six times.?" "Well, husband No. 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.” "Husband No. 2 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.” "Husband No. 3 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.” "Husband No. 4 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.” "Husband No. 5 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.” "Husband No. 6 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was............... God I miss him!” "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited.” "Wonderful" said the husband, "but why me?” "You're with the “GOVERNMENT"................... This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!!" please log in to view this image please log in to view this image
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
