Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

My son got sent home from school today.
He had been suspended for running around the girls toilets with his privates hanging out.
Seems he had done it for a bet.
Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far.
However, he was having none of it & stuck by the suspension.
Getting a bit peeved, I asked him if he would rather have him thieving & smashing the school up like others I could mention.
"No", he said, "I would rather have him teaching the year 5 chemistry that he is paid to do".

 

The parish priest needs his house painted, so he offers the job to one of his altar boys.
The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house; he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.
The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him £5.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, “Thanks very much, Father. You’re a virgin.”
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.
The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day, and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another £5 bill.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, “Thanks very much, Father. You really are a virgin.”
At this stage the priest decides to take action. “Tommy,” he says, “that’s twice you’ve called me a virgin.
Do you have any idea what the word means?”
“Yes,” says the kid, “a tight tw*t.”

 

If You Don’t Understand This Joke; It’s Best To Remain Innocent

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One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada.
He has two cat houses - one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.

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A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything, and hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says “What's the food like here?" The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.

 

A big lion strode arrogantly through the jungle bullying everyone he met.
‘Who’s the King of the Jungle Monkey? he sneered. “You are Lion” said the Monkey respectfully, tugging his forelock..
“Who’s the King of the Jungle Water Buffalo?” Again came the subservient answer, “You are your majesty”…with a low bow.. This went on all day, Baboons, Antelopes, Cheetah etc. are all made to kiss ass by the Lion. Finally he came to an Elephant drinking at the waterhole.
“Who’s the King of the Jungle Elephant? he demands.. The Elephant looks up, grabs the Lion round the neck with his trunk, holds him on the ground and stamps on him. He then grabs the Lion by his tail, swings him around its head several times and bangs him against a tree before throwing him into the bushes..
The lion climbs out of the bushes and limps off, muttering, “Theres no need to be like that… Just because you didn’t know the bloody answer.”

 

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"