Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Conjunctivus.com. Now that is a site for sore eyes

 

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked ,
'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.
Oh, Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

 

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and

I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More silence and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn’t spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him

round to number 3 Oak Street.'
=================================================================================

 

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot...?

a walkie talkie....

from. My son aged 7....

 

Form of the "big clubs:

Man Utd & Arsenal last 7 games: WWWWWWW. Man City last 7 games: WWWLWWD. Chelsea last 7 games: DLWLWLD. Liverpool last 7 games: ROFLMAO

 

My wife said she was leaving me because of my arrogance. I told her to shut the door on the way back in.

 

Why is it difficult to be a cannibalistic lion? You have to swallow your own pride.

 

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.." He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.. She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

 

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

 

People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

 

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.
He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and couldn't play anymore.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge....



.....looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.



He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with.
There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy!"
.
.
.
.
.
"My balls are itchy!"

 

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.


The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"


Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.


So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.


"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.


The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"


"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!"

 

Teenage Rastus and his Mom were waiting for a train at Piccadilly station and Rastus ventured too near the line.
Mom (shouting) – “ Rastus, come away from the edge of the platform, or the train’s gonna come by and suck you off!”
Rastus – “C’mon train!!”

Same boy went to the doctor for a full medical.
Doctor – “ Rastus, how did you get such a big one?”
Rastus – “ I just keep putting it in beeens”
Doctor – “ Baked beans?”
Rastus – “Nooo – Hooman beens!”

 

[video=youtube;L20TXLyxZ4E]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L20TXLyxZ4E[/video]

 

Was in a graveyard the other day when i saw 4 grave diggers wandering around with a coffin on their shoulders.

About an hour later i saw them again walking around with the same coffin,

I though to myself, they've lost the plot....

 

Tramore, have you bought the Tim Vine joke book ?

Velcro? It'll never catch on.